You know, that thing people place you on and you feel like you have no room to breathe, let alone make an error...
Sometimes I feel like people put me in this category of 'having it all together' or of being someone they should strive to be like, which seems completely absurd considering the things I write in this blog. Not only do I feel ridiculously honest, but often I feel like in my honesty I'm constantly unveiling my weakness and my brokenness. I don't have it all together.
Maybe it's not always a pedestal, but sometimes I think people think I'm 'cooler' than I am without really knowing me. Maybe they know someone who knows me, or maybe they just read my blog, or maybe they are distantly connected in some way... but they don't know me. Perhaps it's because I try to reserve that type of judgement for people until I really know them well...or perhaps it's because I'm just convinced I'm not that cool. But when I hear that someone I don't know very well thinks highly of me, I just have to wonder... why?
My immediate reaction is to convince them of all the reasons why I'm not that cool, why I shouldn't be on the pedestal. It's as though I want to stand on top of the pedestal and shout out for the whole world to hear:
Look people...Here I Am! Don't you see that I'm broken? Don't you see that I'm selfish, bitter, lonely, jealous, manipulative, controlling, undisciplined, a gossip, consumed with superficial things? Don't you see that I care too much what other people think about me? Don't you see that I'm just trying to figure this all out? Don't you see that I doubt? Don't you see that I'm often unloving? Don't you see that...?
And, honestly, I think the part that bothers me most about people placing me on the pedestal is that it makes me feel like I've done a terrible job at putting down my mask. Perhaps what they see is the Debbie who is afraid to show any weakness. Perhaps they see the put-together version of me who so badly wants others' approval that somehow it seeps into my daily interactions instead of the girl who is so desperately in need of Jesus and His saving grace.
The Pedestal makes me feel like I haven't been authentic, that I haven't been real, that I haven't been raw. It makes me feel like I've been guarded, that I haven't really let others in...and the more people who think I'm super cool, the more I feel alone. I feel misunderstood. I feel unknown.Because I'm not that cool.
I don't do everything right.
I don't say all the right things.
I don't have anything together.
But the Lord is gracious with me... He is tender and gentle in loving me even when He not only knows my flaws, but He knows the ways in which I've betrayed Him, doubted Him, fled from Him and idolized others over Him.
I don't care if people think I'm cool... because, I think Jesus does. But He knows me. I guess I just want people to know me before they decide that I'm cooler than I am. I want them to take the time to get to know all the junk that makes me me and choose to love me regardless... not just think I'm some cool Christian lady to be like because of whatever reason.
It gets lonely on The Pedestal.
Because it's not where I belong.
I'm no different from anyone else.
I am a sinner...saved by grace, and grace alone...not by anything I have done or can do.
It's the beauty of the Gospel.
We're all in this journey, trying to figure it all out... and I need (we all need) to feel like we can not have it together. This life isn't about perfection and wearing good masks.
Let's know others better.
And let them know us better.
Let's not be people who make others feel like they have it all together, let's not be people who place impossible expectations on others.
Let's, instead, find the freedom that comes in allowing His grace to truly be sufficient in our weakness...and perhaps give others freedom by allowing His grace to be sufficient in their weaknesses, too.
Let's get rid of The Pedestal.
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Sigh. I get this.
ReplyDeleteI just left someone's house tonight realizing that I'm still letting them see me as someone I'm not. And I want that to change.
There are so many people at my church who still think I'm some awesome Christian that I'm not. That my faith is where it was, say, 2 years ago. That I have so much to offer. I know because I hear comments once in awhile, and I know what these people say about me isn't true. But it seems too awkward to disagree.
I don't want to disappoint anyone, so I just keep silent. And when someone needs encouragement I say mumbo jumbo and tell them to read something I wrote a year ago. Because it encourages me. But I know it's NOT ME. At least not me now.
I just don't know what else to do. I'm also tired of feeling like I have to live up to people's expectations of me. Because I'm super broken inside. But too scared to show most people that.
As for you, I think you should realize that people probably see more of you than you think they do. (It always surprises me when I find out sometimes how much people DO know me when I thought they didn't.) And they STILL like you and think you're cool even though they see your flaws. Imagine that.
It can be hard to believe we're desirable.
But I feel like as a kid, it wasn't hard to believe. It was only when I got older and got hurt, ignored, and rejected over and over that it became hard to believe.
Maybe people think you're cool because you're just showing people you.
I think we're all pretty cool in one way or another, and when you are vulnerable with people, they see it. You may not FEEL like you're being vulnerable when you're just blogging. But you are in a way.
Just don't feel like you have to be perfect for people to appreciate you. You don't.