Sunday, February 21, 2016

It is Well

I couldn't stop the tears from coming this time. 

I'm not fully sure where they came from or why they came, but there was no deterring them. I think what's more baffling to me about the situation is not really knowing how I feel about it all.  

I waiver a lot.
I ask a lot of questions: do I really even want children....?
Or am I just coping with the fact that I can't seem to have them right now...?
Or am I just fearful that I can't ever have them...? 
Or am I just feeling guilty that I often don't think I want them...? 

I don't know what the tears meant, but they happened. 
Another month gone by. Hoping feels a little more hopeless. Prayers feel a little more faithless.  If I'm being honest. 

But, I'd be lying if I said that this was something I really was desperate for... and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it still stings a little. 

I feel pretty isolated in this weird spot- most women I know who want children, really want them. A year of trying to get pregnant is often devastating and heartbreaking. I can't identify with that yet. I'm still mostly thankful and mostly trusting that we are exactly where we are for a reason. I'm still overwhelmed by the incredible opportunities before me that I believe would become more challenging if I were to have children.  But, somewhere in me, I don't want to stop trying. 

I can't explain the paradox within.
Perhaps someone else can identify with it, though. 

I do know that I'm ever aware of how truly miraculous life is. 
I do know that I'm ever aware of how much I need the Lord to continually refine me and remind me of His goodness and grace. 
I do know that there's much to hope in and hope for, and little of it seems to revolve around much that happens on this earth. 

I don't know if I'll ever have children.
I don't know if that will devastate me some day. 
I don't know what the future holds....but I know that my story isn't over today (at least not yet). And I know there is lots to be done and the continued reminders that I'm forever more than a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an employee, a boss, and all the other labels I seem to too easily strap my identity to. There's always a greater purpose and I desire to always live according to it. 

So, there's the obvious update. 
We're still not pregnant. 
I'm not really sure how I feel about it all (as you can tell from my all-over-the-place thought process). 
I'm not void of any emotions, but I'm not a wreck. 
All is well, honestly. 
I'm excited about whatever the future holds and I'm continuing to learn what it means to trust the Lord. 

It is well with my soul. 

(Plus, we now have our hands full with two gentle giants-which is an entirely different story you may get to read about some day!) 

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