The Results

"We're calling about your results from your blood tests last week. The doctor would like you to come in to review your results in person. It's nothing urgent or life-threatening. Nothing you should lose sleep over. But you probably should be warned that your uterus is shriveled and your eggs have all died..."

Okay, so that's not exactly how the entire phone call went, but it was still a weird call to receive. I got it almost three weeks ago after finally going to the doctor for my annual (which is never actually annual) and to ask some questions about our current inability to conceive. Lots of blood came out of my arm that day.

First available appointment we could make was for today, January 4.
I hadn't been overly concerned about it, but sitting in the doctor's office, waiting for her to arrive, I couldn't help but ask my husband, "What's the worst thing she could tell us today?"

There's always a trillion possibilities flying through my head.
What we got?
A few minutes about my vitamin deficiencies (apparently I'm lacking D3 which you often get from the sun but they don't encourage sun exposure so D3 is a probably a great market to be in..), my slightly elevated levels of testosterone (which has never been a surprise from this hairy one), and the probability of a mild form of PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome)... but nothing that really makes pregnancy an impossibility. No crazy hormonal imbalance that causes my uterine lining to cease to exist and no irregular pap smear.

A referral to a fertility specialist, if we should choose to go at a future date. A recommendation for a pelvic ultrasound and mammogram (mostly because of my family history)- but nothing she really was worried about. A question or two about whether or not urinating immediately after intercourse actually matters when trying to get pregnant (it doesn't), and the encouragement to try charting temperatures or using ovulation predictor kits (yeah yeah, I'm on it already...).

And there we have it, folks.
No real answers.

I don't know what I expected.
Well- I know what I expected. I expected her to tell me my testosterone levels were still the raging levels of a 16-year-old boy (because I got told that once...by a doctor, I promise) and in all my reliable webmd research, high testosterone made pregnancy very unlikely. So, I expected a shot in the butt with estrogen or progesterone or whatever female things I'm lacking and for all to be well. Or something. Something more than nothing.

Now we just have more questions than answers.
When I should I schedule a pelvic ultrasound...? Should we go see a fertility specialist? That seems a little extreme... and expensive. We haven't technically even been trying for a year yet (at the end of this month it's been a year though so maybe it's time...?).

So, at this point I have vitamin D3 and B12 sitting in my amazon shopping cart (gotta compare with other prices first, of course). I have a referral to a fertility specialist and for a pelvic ultrasound. And apparently PCOS, which is supposedly very common-- and not even a "severe" case of it. As we walked out her office, my doctor said, "I don't think you guys will have a problem. I have a good feeling about it."

Thanks lady.

I sound more bitter than I am- I don't mean to. I actually like my doctor a lot.
We had more of a profound conversation with her about the miracle of life. She told us that the more she gets to see pregnancy up close and see all the things that go wrong and all the things that have to go just right for someone to get pregnant and then to carry a pregnancy to full-term... she said she's humbled by it all. That so often people don't appreciate how miraculous it is.

I think I might have been one of those people once upon a time.
I think I thought that I'd get married and feared getting pregnant immediately because I just knew I'd be a fertile myrtle. I think the process has already shown me how delicate, precious and miraculous human life is. It's shown me over and over and over again how out of control I am. It's given me a freedom to just be. To let God to be God. To live life.

It's a beautiful, cold day today. Snow is still all over the ground. I'm at 8,908 steps with a volleyball game still to play tonight. I've got an incredible husband. A sweet job that I still am trying to figure out and am humbled to be in on a daily basis. A gentle giant of a dog that I absolutely adore. A great community that I'm learning to love more and more. An ever-growing, God-loving family. But, more than alllll of that, I have the creator of all life who loves me. Who chose me. Who reminds me constantly that my worth can only be found in Him. One who calls me to remember the bigger picture and that His plan might just continue to be different from my own. One who reminds me that His plan is truly always better. I've seen it firsthand.

I can't wait to see what all this life entails. Baby or no baby, there's still an unknown adventure ahead. A good adventure.
I'll continue to keep you posted, because I promised I would.

Thanks for praying.
Thanks for asking.
Thanks for loving us well, for sharing your own stories with us, and for reminding me how good our God is.

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