It's hard to wrap my mind around, honestly.
My mom told me not too long ago how cool it is for her to see how the Lord has been blessing my patience lately. In a sense, I felt like she was saying, "Debbie, because you've done this, the Lord is giving you this." My first instinct was to laugh, though. If I've been anything the last 29 years of my life, patience would never make the list.
And, in the context of our conversation, I began to remind her of the thousands of ways the Lord had been faithful to me in my impatience. Remember the time that I thought I was in love with that guy and would have dated him in a heartbeat if he had ever noticed my existence...? Or the time when I was dating that guy who was all sorts of wrong for me but I was willing to do whatever it would take because I was so set on loving him forever, but then he broke up with me...? Or how about the time when I just decided none of it mattered and gave up on love because it would never be what I wanted it to be...? Or the hundreds of times that I tried to kill any desire I had for a spouse because it seemed too hard to be in a place of wanting and not having but I never could let it go...? Or the times that I thought I liked a guy just because he was nice and I wasn't sure anyone else would come along...? Or when I sorta, kinda online dated because I felt slightly, sorta, desperate...?
I've been nothing but impatient.
But then my mom graciously reminded me of all the many times that I could have dated, that I could have fought for relationships, that I could have, maybe possibly, have even entered into more serious relationships that could have resulted in marriage. She reminded me of how I ended relationships and stepped away from men that weren't going to be good for me. She reminded me that, on some level, there were a lot of things I wasn't willing to compromise on... a lot of times when I was unwilling to budge even when I was lonely, single and had no prospects in my future.
Isn't it nice to have a mom?
Where I see my desperation and impatience, she sees my patience and obedience.
If we're being honest, there's probably some combination of the two in full force.
Mostly I just feel absolutely indebted to the Lord for His faithfulness to me when I made foolish decisions in the midst of my impatience. He sustained me. He even allowed my heart to be broken over and over again in my attempts to control my entire love life and have things happen in my own perfect time and in my own perfect way. He saw me through all of those times, reminding me of His infinite goodness...even when I couldn't fully understand it at the time. Even through the tears, the wondering, the confusion...the painful stabs I made toward Him as I struggled to understand how a Father who claimed to be good could cause me such grief as the heartache I was consumed by...He was good.
But then there's also this realization that, as much as I made stupid decisions, I also made some good ones. I didn't just date whomever so I could have a boyfriend. I didn't have to find my worth in needing to be validated by males throughout my entire existence.
And as the Lord showed me His faithfulness over time in this area of my life, I longed to show mine back to Him (however imperfectly it might look). I wasn't willing to settle. I couldn't anymore. I wouldn't. There are things to never compromise on. As the Lord had been faithful in not letting me enter into relationships I thought I wanted, and as He scooped me back up again and again when I felt broken and lonely and desperate...He's reminded me that His plan is worth waiting for. That He is, indeed, faithful.
Because I'm impatient.
I think, to some degree, I always will be.
But I still wait.
Because sometimes you just have to wait. And, sometimes you get little bouts of patience while you wait (because the Lord is kind and gracious)....and the waiting seems pretty great and actually tolerable. And then sometimes it seems unbearable.
The Lord is bigger than all of it though.
He's bigger than your impatience and your innate ability to try to destroy and sabotage your own life (because, on some level, we all have a tendency to do that). He is sovereign and good and kind and gentle and faithful... and even through all of our heartache and despair that we often can't see how the Lord could possibly be in the midst of.... He is there. Because the story is bigger than the moment we are in.
And so sometimes we get to wait. Sometimes we have to wait. And sometimes it sucks.
But I pray that we can be people who trust in the goodness of the waiting. That we can be both impatient and patient... trusting that God is faithful. Truly faithful. And He actually is a good Father who gives abundantly more than we ever deserve.
So, be patient... even when you're impatient (I recognize that's quite the paradox, but it's how I live my life). Keep waiting. Live in the hope of the promise of a good and faithful God.
Totally worth it, guys.
Being in the midst of blessings that you know you don't deserve, but you also know you waited for (and hoped for)...and somehow these blessings, in the fullness of the Lord's grace, He orchestrated for you. Completely for you.
Wait.
Patiently and Impatiently.
But wait.
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