It's not even that I place it there, but it's that I feel like others are. Like when they find out how old I am and that I'm still single, only one thought could possibly cross their mind: What's wrong with her? Why does no one want her...?
It becomes an identity I wear because I fear it's what others are thinking about me (even if it isn't truly what they are thinking about me). It's pretty messed up.
Singleness doesn't often immediately reflect a life of opportunity and freedom, but it often begs the sorrowful glances of those already married or those younger who have high hopes of getting married before they reach my ripe old age. Very rarely am I met with a, 'Oh cool...being single is the best- I never want to get married!' More often I think I'm admired for being 29 and handling my singleness in a seemingly okay manner... like a, 'Man, Debbie, if I'm 29 and single...I hope I can do it like you are.'
I get asked a lot of it's hard.
I get asked if I'm doing okay.
I get asked if I'm jealous of my friends in relationships.
I can't shake the feeling that people feel sorry for me.... and partially it's because when I was younger, I remember feeling sorry for older ladies who were still very single (as if marriage was the end all be all of existence). So... I get it, even if my perspective on it has changed as I've aged.
But the pity only makes me feel like something is genuinely wrong with me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who can't see the giant goiter on my neck that makes me repulsive. Or maybe I'm just oblivious to these obvious character flaws I possess. Because, at this point, surely someone would have wanted me by now if I was a 'normal' person. Something must be wrong, even if it's not noticeable right from the start...
It's hard to escape the feeling that no one wants me. Or, that it appears to others as though no one wants me (like, could they ever entertain the notion that maybe I'm not interested in the guys that have wanted me?).
And, when I feel like that....when I feel my identity deeply rooted in one of REJECTED, unwanted, unliked... that's when I start reaching. Not even because I necessarily want to, but because I think I should. I convince myself that I've been too stand-offish, too intimidating, giving the impression that I'm not interested and that I don't care. So I over-compensate. I initiate. I say things. I do things.
Ironically, what typically ensues from there is more rejection...only this time it feels more real. It's not rejection simply because of the absence of a man in my life, but it's rejection from actual men in my life (even within the realm of friendship).
The problem?
My solution to feeling the brand placed upon me by others is often to prove to them that I am not rejected, that I am worthy of being cared for by a man...and so I go in search of it. I fall victim to fears of what others might think of me and dwell in an identity that isn't true. To escape it, I search through more unfulfilling things and hope to find my identity in the security of a relationship.
It's bogus.
REJECTED isn't the word that defines me. It can't be. It won't be.
I also need to recognize that the way I interpret other people's thoughts of me are often incorrect and presumptuous. I can't live my life based on how I fear others might be perceiving me.
But, in case you're wondering?
I'm okay. Being single is pretty sweet a majority of the time. I often look at married couples and am thankful I get to go home to my empty, un-sexed bed because it seems a lot less complicated.
Is it hard? Yes... and no. Depends on the day and the moment of the day.
Do I get jealous? Sometimes. Sure. I'm human.
I don't need pity, though.
And there's probably as much wrong with me as there is wrong with all the people who are married. And I'm still thankful for my 29 years of singleness and the things I've learned through long bouts of singleness and challenging dating relationships alike. I wouldn't change it. It's how it was meant to be.
And I can't go searching for fulfillment in a relationship when I encounter the feelings of rejection.
It never satisfies.
So here's to erasing the brands we claim as our own (whether we or someone else has placed them there). Here's to finding true life and joy outside of being in a romantic relationship. Here's to the truth that life is about abundantly more than it.
We are not rejected.
Let's stop living out of it and letting it define us.
Let's stop wishing our circumstances were always different and embracing what they are.
Because, right now, if you're single...? It is good.
Let it be good. Embrace it.
You are not rejected.
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