Thursday, August 22, 2013

Inappropriate Crushes

The comment: 
Ever had an inappropriate crush?  Someone significantly older (sometimes even by 11 or 12 years)? Or married? Or your pastor? All of the above? Maybe an authority figure of some kind: teacher, coach, etc?
I occasionally find myself in this awkward position. Today is one of those days. I know it's not wrong unless you act on it, but it still can feel so wrong, and can leave me feeling a little guilty and confused. Is it enough to try and forget about it and pretend it doesn't exist? Usually that works for me. But what if you see them every day? Do you avoid the person? What if you can? There have been a couple times friends have confessed these secret and odd crushes (on the same people as me!) and I just let out a sigh of relief. 
I've realized I'm instantly giddy every time I talk to this person. (Because they're funny! I thought, until I realized my mind was wandering to inappropriate places.) Can we all just admit it happens? What do we do with it? Can we live in the tension, yet still stay pure from sin?
Yes. We can admit it.  
But, 'crush' might be too strong of a word for me. Perhaps 'attraction' is better. 'Crush' can easily take on the connotation that you've allowed yourself to dabble in the feelings of attraction long enough to develop a crush. 'Crush' is admitting that not only have you deemed this person attractive and interesting, but you've gone a step further. 

While the word 'crush' can seem fairly harmless, when I think about the fullness of what it entails (especially the 6th grade version of myself who crushes on guys), it has everything to do with getting their attention, talking to them, flirting with them...and celebrating the moments of success when they give you their attention, talk to you and flirt back. 

So while I think we can definitely be attracted to people who we shouldn't be pursuing, I think harm can come when we allow it to develop into a 'crush'. When we allow ourselves to think (or daydream) about the possibilities, when our actions are clearly sprung from a place of wanting to get to know the other person for all the wrong reasons. 

There's a lot of danger in it. And a lot of necessary self-discernment and self-discipline of recognizing that you're (a) attracted to someone who is either unavailable or inappropriate for you to be in a romantic relationship with and then (b) taking appropriate measures to ensure that that attraction doesn't turn into a crush, a fantasy, or, worse yet, an affair. 

I think it's easy to convince ourselves that the attractions, in and of themselves, are harmless...and while that's true... I think it can very quickly take a turn for the worse. And very quickly one can become the seducer or the mistress without ever knowing what happened. Very quickly the interactions that are fun and easy can become times of sharing hearts and souls, times of asking too many personal questions, times of letting down guards that don't need to be let down. Times when you may, unknowingly, be filling some sort of void or playing into a struggle on their end. 

But, the attractions happen. We don't mean for them to. If I'm being honest, there have definitely been seasons in my life where I've woken up from dreams, covered in guilt that I had been, in my dream, seeking out the physical affection of married men. But they're never the things that I can dwell in or linger in. They are never attractions that I can play into or be curious about...nor do I ever want to. 

And so, yes. Boundaries become pretty imperative. If you find yourself more and more attracted by someone that you're having to spend a lot of time with (because of work or school or whatever else) and it's absolutely inappropriate? Limit the conversations, limit how much you are sharing of yourself...how much you are asking about them. Be disinterested, not mean. But, try to distance yourself from the situation as much as you can. Be proactive in this, especially if you are acknowledging that this attraction has turned into more of a crush. 

I advise telling someone else, but only if they are someone you know won't encourage you in the attraction. Only if you know that you can trust them to be your confidant, to pray with/for you, and to ask you questions about your thoughts/actions regarding this attraction. If you tell someone who is encouraging you in this inappropriate attraction, you must distance yourself from talking to them about it at all. 

You're not alone. 
And you can certainly live in the tension and remain pure... but, honestly, I think you can be very proactive in making wise decisions that will allow you to not feel conflicted with the inappropriate crush. It'll be merely a recognizing that this person is attractive and cool, but 100% unavailable and that's just how it is. You definitely don't need to hold onto guilt for that. 

No need to pretend the attraction doesn't exist (in fact, I think more harm can ensue when you're in denial)...but, rather, take appropriate measures to make sure it doesn't deepen. 

Because we always have choices... even when it comes to matters of the heart. As much as we like to think we 'can't help' who we fall in love with...we can

Our heart is deceitful, remember?
Make good, wise choices.
Walk away, if necessary. 

You get to choose.

Don't forget it.

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