Being Sad

When I left college there was a sort of comfort in the fact that almost all of my friends were leaving at the exact same time. We all had new places to be, new adventures to go on, new friends to make... we were all saying goodbye. It's how high school was, too.

This is the first time in life that I've been the only one to really leave and to know that life continues on as normal without me. I'm the only one going... and I feel the loneliness set in.

I'm not even sure if it's really fully hit me that I'm gone for good, but there are waves of realization that hit me from time to time. I struggle to keep my head above them, and sometimes I succeed and other times I feel myself give in to pull of the current. It hurts.

And then I pop back up again, I see the horizon full of the unknown and my heart leaps with excitement once more.

I feel stuck in this cycle every day. Eagerly anticipating what's next, but still mourning as each day reminds me of something else that I'm no longer a part of. I have to remind myself that there's hope, that there's better, that it hasn't even been that long and that there are to be months of feeling unsettled because that's exactly what I'll be.

I don't want to be honest about it, either.
I want the transition to be easy and painless and good--and I want it to be like that because I know it's right. But, even if it's right, I see now that the journey involves a rougher course than just smooth sailing.

I don't want to write because I feel unable to even process my own emotions in the midst of saying goodbye to everything I've ever known. Starting over again feels weird because I'm mostly just facing the black abyss of the unknown as I stare at my future. There are decisions to be made- decisions that are weighty because of the financial ramifications, the time requirements, the importance of being sure.

I'm never sure.
How are you supposed to decide something when you're never sure?

My brother recently told me that it'll all probably get worse before it gets better. I think he's right.
This is one of the moments where you know all the right things, you know all the comforting things... but those aren't the things that move you into a better place.

This one of those moments where all I can do is cling to hope, the anchor of my soul.
But, sometimes I think it's okay to be sad.
Sometimes I think we forget that...and we try to always be 'perfect' and happy (or at least appear that way to everyone else). Sometimes I think we don't want to believe there's a time to mourn...or that we think we appear weak when we actually need to just be sad.

I may be mourning quite a bit these next few months- but, I may not be. I don't know what the future holds. I do know there is hope, and that there's much to seize in stepping into the unknown. I am excited about that, albeit a distant excitement right now.

I hope you feel the freedom to mourn if you need to today. Maybe you've left something/someone, too... maybe it's a church, a city, a community, a relationship, a friendship, a loved one, a job, a school. Maybe you've had recent loss and you really need to allow yourself time to mourn. I hope you do.

I also hope that we aren't people who wallow in that sorrow or sadness... but that we might healthily mourn and still live life to the fullest each day. That we can live life with a perspective of ultimately caring about the things that truly matter, even when it has nothing to do with ourselves (which is typically always).

I just needed to be honest about where my heart was tonight, even if I didn't want to be.
Thanks for listening (....reading?)
Thanks for letting me be sad.

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Segways = Splendor

If you've never ridden a Segway before, you should. 

They're one of these things that I always used to make fun of because of how ridiculous they looked. You laugh during Paul Blart: Mall Cop, as Paul Blart patrols the mall and makes a significant fool of himself the entire movie (yes, I have seen this)...but you can't help notice that the Segway doesn't exactly help his 'cool factor'.  You laugh at the Segway tours given in big cities as they pass you by- a line of helmeted, neon-safety-jacket tourists cruising along the busy streets and sidewalks. 

And by you... I mean 'I'. I laugh at them. 

And just recently I was one of those helmet, neon-safety-jacket wearing tourists. It was incredible. 

My family and I toured around Salem, Massachusetts on Segways. It was hilarious. It was one of those things I probably wouldn't have ever agreed to in any other capacity, but for some reason, when you're with your family, you don't care as much about looking cool because the older you get the more you've just gotten used to having to do ridiculous things with them. 

After a short training session we climbed aboard our Segways and got familiar with how to operate them. It was alarming how sensitive they were to your every motion and how accurate they were in detecting exactly where you wanted to go and what you wanted to do. We laughed and laughed as we circled around each other, hoping to not have any collisions. And as incredible as it was, I still made fun of us for how we looked- because, to me, it looked so funny. It got even worse when we get into the streets of Salem. 

As we passed other tourists and Salem citizens, I watched their reactions to us. Some were just annoyed that we were stalling traffic occasionally, some were clearly used to watching the tours go by, sometimes we got snickers and stares, sometimes a little boy would exclaim, 'AWESOME!!' as we drove by. I smiled and waved to as many people as I could. 

I'm not just talking about Segways because I want to buy my own now...(because, I kind of do...)

BUT, I'm talking about them because it brought some things to light for me. This Segway experience proved to be much more than a historical, fun adventure with my family-- it went deeper than that. 

I'm scared of things that I don't know..and in my fear, I have the tendency to knock them down. It happens with people, it happens with situations, it happens with the future...it happens with anything unknown. I've never experienced something, I've never really known someone, I'm not sure of what the future holds--and so my safest response typically is one of negativity. 

It sounds childish, right? (and I truly hope you're different from me than this...)

But, when I really evaluate the things in life that I simply don't know very much about, I probably have a tendency to want to defend my ignorance because that thing is probably 'stupid' anyway, vs. admit that I'm just ignorant. I have the tendency to care much more about self-preservation than admit that I'm maybe missing out on something better. 

But, I'm wondering how much that's been true for a lot of my life. That I'm missing out on all the Segways of life. That because I've not had access to it, because I thought it looked stupid, because other people made fun of it, because... because... because... there's been a whole world of splendor that I've closed myself off to. 

It goes beyond physical enjoyment, and as much as I don't want to go there... I think it goes even further into the things I believe, the things I think, the things I hope for, the things that I cherish. I'm so limited because I don't know the fullness of what could be...and because I don't know, my defenses go up and all of a sudden knowing things becomes stupid for whatever reason I cling to at the time. Or, because I think I already know something it gives me the authority to tell others that what I know is more correct or better than anything they could possibly have to offer or say. 

I'm not sure if everything I said makes complete sense... but I want to challenge you, if you're anything like me. I want to challenge you to not be afraid to enter into things you don't know, to try things that are different, to be open-minded. Just because something is different than what you've always known, it doesn't mean it's bad or stupid. 

I guess I think, more often than we realize, that we are all a people who make assumptions and are quick to jump to conclusions without any regard for how different could be better, even if different doesn't always look as cool. We are quick to think we are right and what we already know is the best it could possibly be, without room to admit that things might possibly be a whole lot better if we just allowed room for it to happen. 

So, as we interact with others, I hope we all are willing to at least be open to hearing new and different things before we jump into why it's stupid, wrong, absurd, etc. etc. 

Shoot- go ride a Segway, if you haven't yet. But, beyond that, be a person who doesn't limit yourself solely to the stuff that you currently know. Don't be afraid to learn more...even if that means you might change as the result. Don't criticize or mock the things that you don't know. 

There's a whole world of Segways out there.

Don't just limit yourselves to cars, bikes, motorcycles, trains, airplanes, mopeds, etc. etc.... 

And for your own personal enjoyment: 

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He's Got No Chance

The comment:

How do you tactfully let a guy who's probably interested know that you're not interested? If they haven't brought it up explicitly it would seem weird to bring it up, but also I don't want to lead them on.

I am the absolute worst at ignoring people so... I hope there is another way.

Like.. what do you say when a guy says, "Let's talk about you. You're my favorite topic." How the heck do you respond to that when you're not interested??? (which by the way.. that moment has long passed)

I feel really guilty knowing that I might accidentally be leading guys on.

Oh, what a fun topic we have here!
I'd hate to say it, but there's probably not one generic answer to this problem. Different things need to happen based on who he is, the relationship/friendship you have with him, and who you are.

Ignoring doesn't have to be your first solution (not yet, anyway...you may eventually have to go there, though).

First of all- let's look at who YOU are. How do you typically interact with others? What's your personality like? Instead of doing something that's within a textbook answer of 'how to tell a guy you're not interested', I think it's valuable to look at yourself, how you communicate best with others, and to cater to your strengths as you go about this. You may have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone, but I think it's important to know where your comfort zone begins and ends.

Now- take a look at your current relationship with this person. Is he a friend? An acquaintance? To what degree have you shared your lives/hearts with each other? Is he a confidant in any regard...or is he simply a guy who found you attractive and began the pursuit, but you've been a bit distant from the get-go because you weren't ever interested? Understanding your relationship with him is going to be key as well as you attempt to communicate a lack of interest in anything beyond friendship.

Do you even want to salvage a friendship, or would you really just prefer to leave it on the acquaintance level? Know what you want, know what you think is most beneficial--and know that you don't always get what you want. You may be giving up an incredible friend because you can't date him, and you have to be okay with that. He might not be ready to keep up a friendship with you if he can't date you. Understand that it might be hard for him and you need to give him time and space to heal and lick his wounds.

Finally- evaluate who he is. This may be hard if you don't know him very well, but hopefully you'll know if he's the type of guy who appreciates full-fledged honesty or if he likes things a bit sugarcoated. Hopefully you'll know if he's the type of guy who isn't going to fully grasp what you're saying unless you start ignoring him, or if he's capable of hearing your words and maintaining a friendship without hope for more.

And, when it comes down to it, you'll simply have to do something you don't like/want to do: let him know you simply aren't interested. If you haven't talked about it, you don't need to tell him you're not interested. He'll eventually pick up on it if you distance yourself from the situation. You don't need to ignore him, but (depending on all those things above) you can respond less frequently, you can answer questions without asking a question back, you can make sure you're only hanging out in group settings. He'll get the picture.

If he's still not, you may need to start ignoring him altogether. Honestly, at that point, it's ridiculous that he hasn't said anything to you about his feelings for you thus far and if he's not going to bring it up, there's no reason that you should have to bring it up. Plus you run the risk of rejecting someone who might claim to not even be interested in you at all, and then you feel quite dumb (no, I've never done it, but I had someone do it to me when I wasn't actually interested in them and it was quite demeaning).

If you simply can't stand the thought of ignoring him, feel free to say things along the lines of, 'I think we should text/hang out/talk/email less'. You're not accusing him of having feelings for you, but you're making it very obvious that you want communication to decrease.

Oh, and when he says ridiculously things like, 'You're my favorite topic'--don't say anything back that would encourage more statements like that. Here's when knowing yourself comes in handy. I'd probably say something sarcastic or awkward...but something that would definitely communicate, 'I'm uncomfortable with what you said and I don't want you to say anything like it again'. Some might simply be that brutally honest. Know yourself and be willing to respond in such a way that discourages further comments like that!


Be bold out there.
If you really don't want to lead him on, don't.
And don't be that girl who says she doesn't want to, but secretly does because it's nice to have the attention (yes, I've been that girl before, too). Follow through with what you say, even if it means 'being mean'. He'll appreciate it in the long run, especially if he literally has no chance with you.

You've got this!

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I'm Desperate

I think, oftentimes, that we're desperate.

Desperate for what...?
It depends.
I'd venture to say that it most commonly falls within the realm of companionship. It's pretty funny to see the statistics on my blog and how much more they increase when a topic has to do with love, dating, sex, relationships, etc. etc. We're desperate.

We're desperate to know the answers.
We're desperate to know how to make a relationship work, how to act within a relationship, what boundaries to set, how to love well, how to get someone to love us in return. We're desperate to be desirable to the opposite sex, we're desperate to not be lonely any longer, we're desperate for all of our 'dreams' to come true. We're desperate.

We feel hopeless and it leads to despair.
Our minds are raided and we're left thinking that we'll never meet anyone for 5 million different reasons. We're left thinking that we are too messed up to ever be in a relationship. We're left thinking that no one would ever want us. We're left thinking that our lives could never look different.

This is what matters to most of us, more than anything else.
Sometimes I think we lie when we say it's not.
We want to find love.
It's why we watch the movies we watch, it why we make the decisions that we make. It's why, when we are finally in a relationship, our world often gets completely wrapped up in it and we forget that other people also exist.

I've watched people lose themselves in relationships, I've watched them be all consumed... and then I've watched them be completely devastated when said relationship doesn't work out.

Because we are desperate, we believe that these relationships (when successful) will fill the void.
But what if our desperation is misplaced? What if, no matter how perfect your relationships might be, you're still lonely, or insecure, or desperate for more?

There's a worship song that most of us have been singing for years and I get frustrated by it. Aside from the repetition and the slowness of it, I don't think we really grasp what it means to be desperate for the Lord.... because we're too focused on being desperate for things of this world.

Desperate: feeling, showing, or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad as to be impossible to deal with. 

We know how to be desperate with our loneliness... but do we know how to be desperate for Jesus? Truly desperate? And I realize it's probably not a learned thing, but more of a realization that He is what matters and that without Him, we truly are hopeless. Or, do we find glimmers of hope in other things... like the possibility of a date?

I'm guilty.
There are moments when I truly realize my depravity, but I'd say the large majority of the time, my desperation is geared toward everything but my need for Jesus.

I had a friend tell me once that he wanted to be desperate for Jesus- to know what they really meant. I understand that now. I want it to. I need to know how much I need Him... all the time. I need to stop being desperate for other things.

What are you desperate for?
Truly and honestly....?
Be willing to go there with yourself.
And maybe you're in a place of realizing how desperate you are of the saving grace of Jesus Christ, but if you're not... maybe you want to go there with me now.

May we be a people who don't easily forget just how truly desperate we are for Him, and may our hope stem from Him and the life that He offers. May everything else not be the things that we hope for or hope in... but just things we get to experience/enjoy on this side of eternity.

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Pushing the Limits

The comment:

I've set boundaries in my previous relationships with guys, but they never seem to work out. I, well we, usually push our limits and the next thing I know we've gone passed our "set" boundary. This leaves me sleepless feeling so guilty and sinful. Things in the past can't be changed, that is so hard. Is there still hope for a second chance? What can i do to see I don't find myself in this predicament again? 

There's always hope for a second chance. I wouldn't be here if there wasn't.

Sexual boundaries are always a fun topic- we all want to know as much as we can about sex, we want to know how far we can go before it's 'too' far, and we want to have the freedom to do it without the guilt that quickly accompanies it.

My answer for you is pretty simple...but it doesn't make it any easier.

You get to choose.
That's really all there is to it. In any moment, with any guy, you are ultimately choosing what you want. You get to choose whether or not you put yourself in situations that you know you'll have a hard time saying no in. You get to choose if you actually stick to the boundaries that you've established with your boyfriend/girlfriend. You get to choose how you respond if you 'mess up' and how you proceed from there.

Things that can help? Finding someone who has similar values as you in this particular arena is very beneficial. If he/she honestly wants to remain within the boundaries that have been set, accomplishing this will be easier if they are actually on board. If they say that they are, but are teasing, tempting and pushing the limits constantly, they might not have been that honest with you in the first place.

I've also found, in my experiences, that the more you frequent places of sexual temptation, the more tempted you'll be. Meaning, the more often you make out with your boyfriend/girlfriend, the more likely it is that you'll want to do it more and the more likely it is that you'll push the limits. I realized that in past relationships where physical limits were stretched too thin, it was the relationships where our alone time was spent wrapped up in each other's arms. It was all I thought about during the day... when the next time I could be in his arms was going to be.

On the contrary, there have been more recent relationships where the physical aspect was a much rarer occurrence. It seemed that the rarity allowed for our relationship to blossom in other ways because thoughts of sex weren't all-consuming. Every time we were alone it wasn't with the goal of getting all close and personal-- there was something much deeper to our relationship than that.

Accountability is always a helpful thing-- going to places where you know others will be. Don't invite him/her over when you know you're home alone for the night. Choose to go to his place instead, where his roommates are. Ultimately, if you want to be alone with them because you want to make out with them, you're going to find a way.

And this is where it always comes down to you choosing.

Trust me...I've definitely been in the boat where I didn't care because I wanted to make out and so I made bad decisions. But, I didn't have to... I just wanted to. I've also been in the boat where I've chosen what was good. And it's better. It really, really is.

It's possible.
The Lord doesn't tempt you... and there's always a way out... if you want to take it. I think there's always a problem with not really wanting the way out.

So, you get to decide it's worth it.
Decide that purity matters to you...and then live in it.
Decide that you're going to believe God is full of grace and second chances...and then live in it.
And, if you don't want purity right now...?
I pray that you would want it... heck, I even pray that you would want to want it.

And then be a person who stands firm in what you believe, no matter what.

It is possible. 

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Icing on the Cake

I've spent the majority of my life expecting that good things should happen to me, or that people should admire/like me, or that life might simply be easy. My expectations were off, and it took me a while to see it.

I've spent the last few years very aware that I actually don't deserve any of these things (I even blogged about it several months back!). I probably took this to an extreme, actually. When hard things happened, when mean things were said, when my heart simply hurt...I adopted a mentality of, 'I don't deserve anything better, anyway'. Sometimes I felt like a battered wife who refuses to believe that there's anything better meant for her.

It's quite contrary to what I had been used to. Previously, I had been a fighter. I fought for justice, I demanded equality, I probably teetered on the side of demanding things in my favor over everyone else. I deserved the best, the greatest, the most important...because I was me.

It was pride that drove me.
It was selfishness.
But I didn't want it any longer.

So, instead of a sweet humility to replace it, I filled the void with self-deprecation. I didn't deserve good. The gospel penetrated my soul in a way it never had before. There is no one righteous...not even one. Not even me. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, what I said, what I thought, how much I prayed, how much I read my Bible...I couldn't attain it. I didn't deserve anything better. It was only by the grace of God that I am saved, and anything beyond that I didn't need. I already had more than I deserved by the sheer volume of what His grace means for my life.

I lived in this for a while.
I didn't want to ask for more than what I had because I didn't want to be selfish. I didn't want to think I was more than I was because I didn't want to be prideful. I didn't want to step into who I had been...and so I fearfully shied away from anything that made me believe that I deserved anything more than what I already have.

I wrestled with desiring more, but feeling guilty for it...
And just recently I came to an epiphany. One of those epiphanies that you sporadically have throughout your life, but you sort of forgot that you ever had it in the first place.

The issue isn't in the desiring more... the issue is in the demanding more, the thinking that I deserve more. Because, I think the truth is that I don't deserve it. I don't deserve good things. I don't deserve salvation. I don't deserve friends and family who care about me abundantly. I don't deserve job security, or financial security, or a comfortable lifestyle. I don't deserve a family, or a husband who loves me unconditionally. I don't deserve a healthy body or a capable mind.

So what if, instead of demanding that I receive these things, my attitude is that of one receiving blessing? That in realizing my depravity... in realizing how much I don't deserve these things, my attitude is one of thanksgiving? Instead of rejecting my desires, instead of rejecting the good that comes my way, instead of feeling guilty... what if I approached it with a completely different mentality?

What if, for once, I believed that God is actually good and then I trusted Him to act within that character?

I don't know where you're at in your journey of faith.
I don't know if you think that you deserve to be happy... or a thousand other awesome things to come your way.

I don't think you deserve happiness.
But, I do think that you'll get to have it. Maybe not always, but I think there will certainly be times of it. And, instead of expecting and demanding happiness... what if we were just thankful for those moments? What if we were just thankful for the good that happens to us in this life, because we are so very aware that we don't deserve it? What if we lived in deep gratitude of a God that has already saved us from eternal damnation and everything else in life was just icing on the cake?

Tonight I got to taste a little icing.
You know what?
It tasted a lot better when I didn't even expect or demand to have it.
'Cause, gosh, I certainly didn't deserve any of it... but I believe I serve a God who is good, a God who wants to bless us abundantly more than we could possibly imagine.

So...
I'm going to let Him.
I'm not going to demand it or expect it or think that I deserve it...
But, I'm going to let Him.

And hopefully my life will be a life of gratitude and thankfulness, instead of a life of expectation and disappointment.

That seems better to me.
It seems right.

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Feeling Forgiving?

The comment:

This summer I was very hurt by someone, and am really struggling with forgiveness. Knowing that I can say I forgive the person as that is what God asks of me but not wanting it to be a lip service or something just said. I want to feel it and to know that in my heart there is forgiveness for the pain, not sure how to get to this place and I've been holdin on to the anger, resentment, and pain. Despite all this the person has moved on in life and either has no idea I'm mad or hurt or doesn't care, which only brings more feelings to surface. Where to go when I can't seem to move on.

I feel you in this.
I've struggled a lot with forgiveness in the last year, wrestling with what it actually means versus what I think that it means. Honestly, there hadn't been many things in my life that seemed 'unforgivable' until recently and so while the easy answer had always been to forgive, this became a more challenging thing to actually do.

I think that I have to detach forgiveness from emotions. Like a lot of things in life, I think we operate primarily on emotion when it comes to forgiveness. I don't think that's how it works though. I think there are going to be things in life that deeply hurt us every time we rekindle the past, but that we can still choose forgiveness. I don't think this makes it lip service, necessarily.

As believers, our commandment is clearly to forgive...no matter what. Forgive 70 times 7. Forgive them, even as they beat you and stone you to death. Forgive them, even as they crucify you...because they do not know what they are doing.

It's funny because our dictionary would say that forgiveness means to 'stop feeling angry or resentful...'.  Honestly, I'm not sure this is something that's humanly attainable. I think that miracles can happen, and that we can certainly feel the release of these emotions very quickly... but I also think that time is a healing agent. As we are further removed from a certain situation or a certain person, we begin to see things a little differently...it begins to hurt a little less. But, I don't think that feeling angry or resentful means that we need to act within that realm.

If you've hurt me, if you've wounded me...I must forgive you. I must act in forgiveness. What does this mean exactly? It means still loving you. Which then begs the question of, 'what does it mean to love someone who has deeply hurt you?'.  It seems this can look really different, depending on the circumstances. For, when I look at what love is, it seems that this doesn't have to be as up close and personal as we might have initially thought. It seems that I can love you well...and then, if you hurt me deeply, that I still might be able to love you well, it just might look a little differently than it did. I think this is okay.

But, I probably also think at the crux of truly loving someone we expose ourselves to the possibility of pain, rejection, betrayal, abandonment, denial. After all, isn't that how Christ loves us? Despite the fact that we suck? Isn't that the way He forgives? ...and isn't that the reason His grace is so amazing?

Clearly I still wrestle with this even as I type.
Here's where I currently reside:

--We must forgive.
--We must love.
--None of this is about us, but has everything to do with something bigger, something greater, something more beautiful than we might possibly imagine.
--When we choose forgiveness and love EVEN WHEN we have been hurt, betrayed, rejected, abandoned, denied... we are truly living out the gospel.

So, where do you go from here?
You wake up every morning and you beg that the Lord would give you the strength to choose forgiveness, yet again. And, no matter how you feel, you seek to love those who have hurt you, those who persecute you, those who hate you, those who want nothing to do with you. If you aren't around them anymore...you still hope for them, you still pray for them, you still honor them with your lips.

Somedays you'll truly feel like you've forgiven them....and somedays you'll think you made it all up. Walk in the decision to keep forgiving them, no matter how you feel.
Be faithful in this and know that it is worth it. Desire what is good, and press further into it--even when it feels unfair and even when it comes at your own expense.

Forgive them.
For they know not what they do.
...and even if they do know?
Forgive them anyway...and let them see Jesus in you.

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