Overwhelming Kindness

Have you ever been so overwhelmed by the way someone has given to you? And given, and given, and given... without asking for anything in return?

I have.
And in the midst of being overwhelmed, I've been steadily shown how hard it is for me to receive. To receive something from someone with no way to pay them back, with no real way to show them how thankful you actually are?

It's emotionally unbearable. It's brought me to tears every time I talk about it. I'll probably cry at some point while I write this post.

I recently had a friend overwhelm me with kindness. It was a kindness I didn't deserve, and yet, all I could do was receive it. No money could repay my debt...no words, no act, no anything. And so I stood, and I received...and recognized how I was experiencing the Gospel. The Lord used my friend to remind me of His kindness when I am so undeserving of it, His faithfulness when I seem unable to offer my own in return, His grace when I am in desperate need of it, His love when I am fearful of it.

I want to overwhelm someone with kindness.
I want to be someone who gives and gives and gives...and asks (and expects) nothing in return. I want to be that kind of friend. I want to be that kind of roommate. I want to be that kind of daughter, that kind of sister, that kind of co-worker, that kind of mentor. And, simultaneously, I know I need to be someone who is able to also receive it.

For as hard as it was for me to receive gift upon gift from a friend, I've realized how this paralleled my struggle to receive from the Father. The moments when I'm overwhelmed by His grace and mercy and love pouring out over my life are the moments when I feel the desperate need to somehow repay my debt. And then I come crashing to a halt where I realize I can do nothing...and I fall on my face, no words able to communicate how truly grateful I am. It's one of the most humbling things I can think of.

Our debt has not only been paid, but we serve a God who continually lavishes goodness upon us. A God who gives and gives and gives. And even when we don't always feel like it, and even when we feel forgotten and abandoned in the midst of various circumstances...the storm clears, and we see, yet again, Christ's faithfulness throughout it all. We see the way He provided for us, the way He brought us into an even better that we never thought possible.

I pray that you remember that...and I pray that you can receive that, even in the times where God might feel far from you. I pray that He would bring someone into your life to remind you tangibly of what it means to receive when you feel most undeserving of someone else's kindness. I pray that He would heap goodness upon you.

And I pray that we also might be people who simply overwhelm others with kindness. That we would go out of our way, that we would sacrifice, that we would live selflessly... because we believe that other people matter more than ourselves.

Wouldn't that be beautiful?
I think so, too.

I'm thankful for overwhelming kindness.
It's life-changing.

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One year Down

It's been about a year.

I remember pretty vividly the moment I realized I needed to start this blog. At the time I felt quite inundated with girls asking for advice on various topics: boys, God, future, boys, God, future... In some form or fashion it probably always related back to their spiritual formation, and whether or not it had to do with school, jobs, money, boys, their past, sex, or straight up Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit, I felt under qualified to be giving any sort of advice. I mean, what do I know?

So, why not start a blog where I tell people what I think about things...?
Makes perfect sense, right?

I guess the moment struck me when I was talking with a girl face-to-face and she confided in me a story that she was ashamed to share with others. I found myself sharing part of my own story with her. 'Don't worry, friend... you're not that crazy... listen to what I've done, and listen to the hope that I've found.' I remember seeing relief in her eyes, an assurance that someone out there felt the same way as her, had even lived through it, and that there was light at the end of the tunnel. It wasn't that I had all the answers, but that I was willing to admit that I, too, didn't have it all together.

I wanted this to be a blog of honesty, of rawness, of struggling through life together as we admit how disheveled our own lives can be and the hope we have found in spite of that. There seemed to be safety in the anonymity of an online forum, as I've encouraged people to write in and share their own stories with every post. There was probably the hope of developing some sort of 'Dear Debbie' column (that has a nice ring to it, eh?) where people could write in and I could share my own thoughts and stories on whatever the subject at hand was.

The blog hasn't exactly been what I envisioned it being initially, but I think that's okay. There's been a lot of internal stretching each time I sit down to write, filtering through the next topic I'll bare my soul to the world wide web about. I've been encouraged and supported by many and, oftentimes, an unlikely person will admit their gratitude for the blog. It's been a fun journey...despite how hard and uncomfortable it's made me at times.

I suppose this post is just a thank you.
Thanks for encouraging me well and for sharing your life and heart with me as you journey and sift through hard things.

There may be some changes in the near future, and some hopes to launch even bigger things as I long to reach an even wider community. Hopefully you'll also be willing to support me in that endeavor. Your feedback as I continue with this online dialogue is crucial, so please don't to hesitate to let me know ways that I can better benefit you and serve you.

I think each time I post, there's always a prayer that just one person takes something good from it, that just one person finds a bit of hope, that just one person sees Jesus more clearly... and even if it's just one person, I pray that the Lord is ultimately glorified.

One year down.
Let's keep growing together, learning together, fighting together.
It's gonna be worth it all.

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Manly Men

I once told my oldest brother that I wanted a man that's a man. You know, big and man-like. Coarse hands, broad shoulders, deep voice, hair on the chest (I'm not really into that whole chest-shaving thing).

He looked at me and simply said, 'That's not what makes someone a man.'

Shoot. It's not?
I mean, I know it's not... but do I really? The truth of my brother's statement pierced through the lies I have allowed myself to believe for decades (I think I'm old enough to say that now...).

It actually made me start thinking about all the seminars, talks, conferences, break-out sessions that we go to on being godly men and women. Only...we go to the ones that teach us how to be godly within our own genders. I can't think of a time where I've gone to, or was given a chance to go to, something on learning what it means to identify a godly man, allow him to truly pursue you, and really dwell on the things that actually matter in a romantic relationship.

I think it doesn't typically happen for a few reasons. One, we're probably too scared that it'll cause people to 'lose their focus'. Completely devoting something like that to the opposite gender in a way that's talking about the good stuff seems pretty sketch. It makes it seem like we're encouraging dating and romance when really we'd rather young people stay away from it as long as possible so they don't accidentally lose their virginity. We also probably assume lots of it is obvious. Don't date jerks. Everyone knows that, right? Why do we need to tell people that? I don't know... but it seems to happen too much of the time, so maybe we're missing something.

Here's all I'm getting at...
At some point along the way I started believing that the man of my dreams would be a certain way. We can blame society, or my role models, or the books I've read, or the movies that I've watched, or the advertisements that I see... but, regardless of where it came from, I don't think when I was younger that there was ever anyone telling me that I should maybe keep my heart open to men wrapped in a very different package from my expectations.

What is a godly man?
And beyond that, how do I be attracted to that when it can look so different from my knight and shining armor?

When a man loves the Lord passionately, seeks Him with His whole heart, is kind, generous, selfless... a man of good character... can that be enough? Can my heart be opened to, regardless of whatever is on the outside, allowing this to be 'man' enough for me?

I guess I'm just admitting my superficiality. That my understanding of what it means to be a 'man' has more to do with earthly things than eternal things...and that needs to change. I feel like I need to retrace my steps through life and erase the moments when I thought that being a man required athleticism, intelligence, muscles, good-looks, height... and whatever else my mind has firmly established as 'manly'.

It kind of feels like something that only Jesus can do, though. And I pray that He does. I want to fully appreciate men who are wholeheartedly devoted to Christ without mentally emasculating them in the process. To fully see that kind of man as someone who is truly a 'man', regardless of their appearance or their fleshly skills.

To let what matters matter...and to let what doesn't fade away.

Ladies, I hope you'll join me in this prayerful endeavor to truly honor the men in our lives who are on this treacherous path of attempting to (much like us) fight what the world is saying what kind of men they should be versus what the Lord is calling them to. May we be women who seek to love them for who they are, not what they can do or how they look. May we be women who can set aside expectations and standards for what we thought we always wanted, and be women who can be open to something different and, most assuredly, better.

Men, I'm sorry for the ways we've so often let you down in this, for the ways that we've discouraged your walk with Jesus and undermined it's importance because we've been too consumed with caring about things that simply don't matter. I pray that you'll find the freedom to live abundantly in Him, trusting that there are women who will see and love the beauty that flows from a heart that is truly devoted to Christ.

I'm so very thankful for you, men.
Thank you for continuing to follow, even when it's hard. Thank you for striving to live lives with your eyes set on heavenly things and not earthly things.

I still have much to learn, and much to grow in.
And so the fight resumes...
Join me.

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New Girl

I wonder when I'll stop feeling like I'm a guest in someone else's home.

Sometimes I'll find myself chanting things aloud: This is my house, this is my house, this is my house... this is my town, this is my town, this is my town...

This is my life...

I'm here.
I'm doing it. 'It' being something different and weird and unknown. It's just happening. I think that if my life was confined to existing in my house and getting around town (and spending money), I'd be okay. The hard part comes in finding community, looking for a job (so I can spend money), attending classes which require a whole lot of reading and self-discipline... essentially creating a new life for myself. Everything so far has seemed pretty emotionally effortless. Diving in deeper is what scares me.

I think this going to be especially hard in relationships. At this point in my life I sort of feel like I have enough good friends. I don't need anymore. I want to extend effort in maintaining the friendships that I already have...not exert energy in trying to make new ones. It's exhausting to think about the repetitive conversations that I'll have over and over again as I get to know new people. Some part of me just wants to know the people I already know, to find comfort in the fact that I don't have to give background for why I am the way that I am, to be in silence with others and not have it be awkward.

I know...
I know It's not feasible and it's not actually what I want. It just feels easier to be an elusive hermit who goes to class, goes to work, goes to church....and then hides out the rest of the time.

But, in reality there's a part of me that's excited about new friendships and investing in new people and vice versa. It's just hard to think about reaching the same level of friendship that I already have with others... and I think I want to expedite the process. I want to immediately have friends. Good friends.

I recognized just tonight that I can't expect these things to happen on their own, either. I have to be willing to put forth effort. I think when we are the 'new person' we have this expectation that others should come to us, others should reach out to us, others should include us...but a lot of times we're unwilling to make the same effort ourselves.

I was talking to a girl who is in the same program as me and was thinking, 'It'd be really nice to talk to her more about all of this stuff and maybe get to know her more. I hope she'd be willing to hang out with me.' And in that, I realized I had this expectation that she should be making this effort to help me out in my transition to school. Upon such a realization, I decided that was ridiculous and that she probably had a lot going on, and so I began to ask her how busy her life was in the next few weeks which immediately took us to a mutual agreement that we should hang out. Just like that! Give and take.

Perhaps she's cool enough that she would have initiated hanging out with the new girl on her own, but I think it's always helpful when both parties are willing to make an effort.

It's something to consider if you're ever the new person. Whether that's in a class, or at church, or at a job, or in a family, or wherever. To be willing to put yourself out there, to initiate connection beyond casual get-togethers, to truly be interested in other people's lives without expecting them to take you in and take care of your needs. I think it's good. And I think I'm going to have to do a whole lot more of it, no matter how uncomfortable it might feel sometimes. I honestly think it will be an important way to develop true, meaningful friendships.

And, shoot, if you see a new kid around...don't hesitate to eat lunch with them, invite them to join you for something, take time to make them feel like they matter...

It's easy to feel lost and alone when you're the new girl, but it doesn't have to be where you remain.

Choose to engage.
Always.

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Betrayal (Part II)

(You might want to read the previous post before reading this one...) 

'I'd really love to see you...' 

These are the statements that torment my soul in the instances of betrayal. 'I've already forgiven you and yet you still want to maintain a relationship with me? How dare you.' are among the first of my thoughts upon receiving such a request. How much more can people ask from me, anyway? Don't know they know the pain they've caused hasn't vanished? Don't they know that every time I think about it, it hurts? Don't they know that the stabs of betrayal aren't a one time thing? My heart bleeds because of them. 

And yet... they'd really love to see me? Why?! Doesn't it also remind them of what they have done? I don't get it, but it doesn't change what is. 

But, really? Really, there was no shedding of blood on my part. That was already done. The price has already been paid. Their trespasses are forgiven. Who am I to say anything different? 

I don't always want it to be that easy, though. Maybe it feels like they're getting off scot-free. Maybe I want them to pay for the sins committed against me. My flesh screams for retribution. I want them to get what they deserve. And it doesn't work like that... 

'I'd really love to see you...'

It's frustrating because I thought I had forgiven them. Hadn't I? Hadn't I truly meant it when I looked them in the eyes and told them they were forgiven? Hadn't I realized how necessary it was when I realized that I am really no different from them? 

So why the anger? Why the desire to continually distance myself from them? Why the desire for revenge? This doesn't feel like forgiveness... 

What kind of Christian am I, anyway? 

'I'd really love to see you...'

It lingers in the back of my mind, a response is necessary. But I don't want to see you.  That seems a bit harsh. I shuffle through a mental list of polite dismissals, but nothing feels appropriate. 

Because, the honest trust is that I still care about them. In the brief moments that I am able to set the pain aside, I'm reminded that they are human... that they are broken... that they are my friend. In my lowest moments, in my darkest transgressions, wouldn't I, too, long for the embrace of those closest to me? 

'I'd really love to see you...'

Okay. 

Let's do it. 

Coffee. I can handle coffee. My time is limited, but I think this matters... I think that you matter. You've hurt me, you've betrayed me, you've turned your back on me... but you still matter. 

Deep within me, and perhaps it's not even me at all, I know that even at the cost of myself....you still matter. Your heart matters, your brokenness matters, your dreams matter, your passions matter, your apologies matter... your soul matters. 

Despite the ways you've messed up, and despite the ways that those mess-ups have included me...somewhere, in the midst of it all, I love you. I care about your life. I care about what you're doing. I care about where you're at and where you're headed. I want good for you. 

A short hour of coffee with you reminds me of this. 

And maybe you'd really love to see me, but I really needed to see you. Because the Lord reminded me of His kindness in that hour. The Lord reminded me that when I choose to act in forgiveness (regardless of how I feel), that it's better. He redeems my own heart of wickedness and sets my thoughts on things above. 

No retribution is necessary.

The price has been paid.

You are forgiven. Truly. 

I pray that I not be the person who keeps you confined to chains, but that you would walk freely into the life He has intended for you. Because it is good. It is bigger than you. It matters. And despite the mistakes of the past (and probably ones of the future), He is continually calling you to better. Keep walking in that. 

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If we're being honest, I'll probably wrestle with forgiveness most of my life...and maybe you'll join me in that, especially with those who have hurt us the most. I think it's okay. Because, I think when our hearts our opened to it, the Lord will repeatedly bring us back to this place again. I think when we choose to act in forgiveness that He honors it. 

And what is acting in it? I don't know. Sometimes I think it means sitting down to a cup of coffee with someone who has hurt you. Sometimes it means diligently praying for them. Sometimes it means honoring them in the way you speak about them. Sometimes it means maintaining a relationship with them again. Sometimes it means an email, a text, a phone call, a little something to remind both of you that you meant what you said: you've forgiven them (...right?). 

There's nothing perfect or simple about it. It's always hard, and it's always painful. I think forgiveness has a lot to do with considering others better than yourselves...even the ones who have hurt you. 

I don't know who it is for you, but I'm guessing there's probably someone. Someone you've been avoiding, someone you've been talking bad about, someone who probably 'deserves' it... but someone who needs forgiveness, who needs love, who needs grace. Someone whose soul matters. 

Live a life of grace. 

And may you find abundance as you truly exemplify the Gospel. 

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Betrayal

There have been a lot of thoughts rumbling around in my head lately without a lot of time to write any of them down. Between final moments with friends and family, 22 hour road trips and trying to move in and feel like a strange town is actually my new town...'down time' seems to escape me. Maybe that's okay for now.

But...I've been thinking about betrayal some lately.

Betrayal.
It's a horrifying word. And, a rather weird word (if you look at it too long). In its simplest definition it means to be disloyal. It's one of those words that I don't think you fully understand until you actually experience it.

I was in that boat a majority of my life. I could give textbook thoughts on betrayal, and I might even be able to empathize with you if you had experienced some sort of betrayal, and some might say that I was even a betrayer at various points (although I certainly hope that's not true)...but I hadn't ever really been betrayed. At least not in the way that shatters your heart, or in the way that makes you want to vomit, or in the way that makes you feel like someone is punching you in the gut...over and over and over again.

In the last few years, my sheltered existence finally caved and opened me up to the harsh reality of betrayal. It's maybe one of the worst things I've ever experienced emotionally before. Someone else's actions cause your entire being to recoil in horror, disbelief, anger, and hatred. Darkness is consuming and before you know it, this emotion is having a physical affect on you. Your hands are shaking, your voice doesn't sound like your voice....sometimes it's hard for you to speak because your level of nauseousness makes you feel uncertain that you can keep it all down. Everything hurts. Any trace of joy has been sucked out of you.

Betrayal.
How do you ever recover from it?
How do you ever move on?
Can you ever possibly forgive?

I've had to make some tough choices in the face of betrayal and while my flesh sought vengeance for the wounds I fear I'll never truly heal from, there wasn't a chance that I could follow through with it. I remember specifically being in the midst of one of the most heart-wrenching betrayals and hearing Matt Maher's song Christ Has Risen pound through my head: 'Freely You've bled for us...'

Us.
His blood has been shed for me and those who have betrayed me. I am not better than them. I am just as in need of Jesus. Who am I to withhold forgiveness when I serve a God who so willingly gives it even though we reject Him, abandon Him, run from Him...and betray Him...? 

Forgive?
But how I can I? And what does that possibly mean? What does that look like?
I think it's different in different situations, but I think it's absolutely necessary.

I'll leave it here for now... I suppose you could consider this 'Part I' of a blog on betrayal and forgiveness. But... if you've been betrayed (whether recently or long ago) and you're battling through forgiveness and what that needs to look like, let's talk.

It's hard.
It hurts.
It's unfair.

But there's hope.
Stay tuned.

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A New Year

As the final countdown began and the ball dropped, my friend brought up the calamity in her heart to all of us.

'I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling right now...' 

We kind of laughed, but we also knew it was a serious comment. And, I get it. 

It's a new year, and every time another one rolls around we are inundated with thousands of comments, posts, questions about our regrets and highlights of the past year and our resolutions and dreams of the upcoming year. It's like it's a big deal or something... but, mostly (to me, anyway) it just feels like another day. I always feel like I'm 'supposed' to feel something more though. 

Despite the celebration that accompanies the first of the year, there's never been this feeling of a 'fresh start'. The only thing it was nice for was beginning a devotional... but that's mostly because all of them start with January 1 and it was easier to keep track of it that way. 

This year feels different though. This year feels different because, for the first time, I'm truly moving toward something completely new in January. 2013 is actually a year of significant life change for me. 

I cried about it today. 

Because, yes, it's exciting and new and different and the possibilities seem endless for where my life might go from here... but it's also overwhelming. So overwhelming that I feel unable to actually process through my thoughts and emotions on the subject. 

I don't even know if I'm scared. I think I just mostly feel uncertain. And, for someone who doesn't typically do change well, I'm about to swallow a whole lot of it at once. I can't really begin to imagine what my life will look like, what routines I might fall into, or who I might journey through life with. 

I've been asked a few times what my resolutions for 2013 are, and I've sarcastically responded with, 'to get a new life'. But, really... I'm probably mostly in a place of recognizing how wonderfully freeing it is to let go of expectation, and I'd long to embrace that freedom more. Letting go of expectation for how this year should go, how this transition will be, what kind of job I'll have, how I'll handle schoolwork, the things that I'll have to spend money on, the types of friends I'll make, how I'll spend my time, the relationships that will matter most to me, the amount of time I'll get to spend with family, the career I envision myself having, the ways God will move, the ways He will prove Himself faithful, the ways He will grow me and change me, the ways I will run away...and the ways that He will continually bring me back to His side. 

I think I can only expect that God will be God, in the fullness of who He is. Which means that He is faithful, good, righteous, holy, just... filled with grace and love. I can expect Him to be these things (and so much more), but I can have no expectation of how He will be these things. So, even in expecting God to be God, I still need to let go of my expectation of what I think that means and allow Him to be the fullness of what that actually means (because in my experience it almost always differs from what I would have expected).

It's a new year.

It's a new life. 

But...there's reassurance that He's still the same God. Yesterday, today and forevermore. I can still trust Him to be God. So, even in the midst of the overwhelming...I can let go and exist in the freedom that comes with knowing that I'm cared for, loved, provided for, deeply and intimately known. I can let go and exist in the freedom that all of that doesn't have to look a certain way, either.  

And, no...it's not easy. But, it's better. I'd rather live in the better...in the freedom that accompanies the better, in allowing God to live outside of the confines of the box that I've tried to house Him in for so long. 

There's hope and excitement in that. 

So... here's to relinquishing all expectations on this upcoming year and simply trusting God to do His thing (even though I have no idea what that means or what that looks like). 

Cheers. 

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