All-Consuming Relationships

Sometimes, when you date people, you miss out on other things in life.

It's funny because so many of us spend a lot of our time wishing we were in relationships without realizing how tremendously consuming they can be. They take up our time, our money, our emotional energy, and sometimes they become our new identity....they interfere with our other relationships, our future plans, our schoolwork, our real work, our social calendar. Too easily they become all we think about, all we dream about, and all we spend our time on. Too easily they become these things even when we aren't in them.

I didn't date in college. Not because I didn't want to... because it just didn't ever work out. Now, looking back, I'm thrilled to be able to point out all the opportunities and all of the memories I had that were not infiltrated by one single college boyfriend. There was never a chance for me to choose a boyfriend over something else, and because of that, I think I was able to really enjoy just living.

So, without further adieu:
If I had dated in college, I would have (probably) never...

1. had dance parties with my roommate in our dorm room when studying became too unbearable
2. grown accustomed to eating large amounts of cookie dough while in the midst of heart-to-hearts
3. joined a sorority
4. volunteered to lead a high school small group
5. led a drama team (complete with many an SNL rip-off)
6. held two guys hands at the same time, without them knowing...
7. created and starred in the hit show, Aspiron
8. sung karoake in front of hundreds of strangers on multiple occasions
9. gotten serenaded by a group of fine-singing a cappella men on my birthday
10. made road trips to Arkansas and Texas any chance I could
11. gone to Europe
12. worked at an all-summer long camp 3 summers in a row
13. gone to formals/dances with various guy friends
14. joined leadership of a greek christian organization
15. started prayer meetings/bible studies on Thursday night with the girls in my pledge class
16. set up a tent for an overnight in our living room
17. helped with D-Nows in other cities
18. been a founding member of 'Go Nuts for Donuts!'
19. helped with Special Olympics
20. volunteered to help on a ski trip
21. random acts of kindness in the middle of the night with a group of strangers
22. did an internship for a college ministry where I co-led activities and outreach
23. dressed up and done humiliating skits in front of many
24. acted demon-possessed in the middle of a church service
25. been 'miss-miss-missy-miss miss' in the 2006 Miss America Pageant. 
26. made a meat pinata
27. purchased 25 baby chickens
28. graduated
29. moved to texas 
30. made a ton of fabulous friends that I was able to invest in fully and vice versa (both guys AND girls!)

I write all this, not to tell you 30 random things I've done in my life, but to remind you that if you're single and in college it can be one of the best times of your life. Shoot...even if you're single and out of college. I could make a list of the things that I've gotten to do in the last 6 years, too. 

Are any of these things that I couldn't do if I had been dating someone, or even married to someone? No, probably not. But, it's hard for me to believe I would have done many (if any) of these things. Why? Because it would have taken up the time I'd want to spend with him, I would have been too self-conscious and insecure about doing a few of them, I wouldn't have wanted to be apart from him for that long, etc. etc. 

I hope, even if you are dating someone, that you remember to maintain good balance in your life. I hope you remember to not let him/her become your only priority. I hope you remember to make memories with other important people...and maybe, sometimes, people you don't even know and might never speak to again. I hope you remember that there's much joy to be found outside of a relationship as much as there is inside one. I hope you remember your friendships, I hope you remember your obligations, I hope you remember your commitments. 

So, wherever you're at in life....single, dating, married...whatever... 

Remember the weight of eternity...do things that matter with your time, your energy, your money, your social calendar, your work.

If you're single, don't get so wrapped up in the fact that you're single.

If you're dating, don't get so wrapped up in the fact that you're dating. 

There is more. 

Explore it. Discover it. Live in it. 

May your memories be as sweet and as meaningful, may they be as spontaneous and random as they are filled with moments where you know you did good, right, and selfless things. May your memories be filled with times where you gave, and gave, and gave....where you considered others better than yourself. 

Don't miss out because you're more consumed with one that doesn't matter as much One that does.  

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You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet

I've been stretching a lot lately.

As I've entered into a season of nomad-land for a few months, I've realized that a large portion of my existence will be about meeting new people. I'm not very great a meeting new people. I feel awkward and sweaty and extremely aware of how my 6 years in the middle of nowhere mixed with my frugalness has left my wardrobe outdated and ...well, just different. 

I travel around to various places with my brother and sister-in-law and meet their friends and their own awkward acquaintances. Small talk doesn't usually work well for me in this arena as the first question out of their mouths is typically something along the lines of, 'Hi Debbie! Where's home for you?' 

It's a hard question for me to answer, as a few possible responses run through my head, which leaves me pausing just long enough to make a simple question turn into a hanging, uneasy silence. At this point, my mind switches from thinking about how to answer their question to wondering if they think I'm too much of a moron to be able to answer such a basic personal question...which then makes the process take even longer. It's a viscous cycle. 

After staring at each other for at least 4 seconds, I eventually start off with a clever, 'Well.............' and usually end up with one of the following: no where, I'm currently a nomad, my brother's place, I'm in-between things...

And then, sometimes (if I think they actually might care), I proceed to tell them that while I'm originally from Missouri, I've spent the last 6 years in Texas and now I'm currently spending the fall just traveling around, hopping from brother's house to brother's house (all east coast cities), stopping briefly in the pacific northwest (as if that's on the way) and eventually, hopefully, ending up overseas for a bit of an adventure for a few weeks.  That's all just the fall, though. For the rest of my life, you mean? Ah, that's a whole different question. 

When I said I'm not great at meeting new people, what I really meant was that I don't like meeting new people- especially when I begin every conversation with all the finesse you just read about. For some reason, I become this blundering idiot...the things I think sound great and witty come across as weird and not funny. There's the added on pleasure of meeting single men and not knowing how to be friendly without appearing too friendly, if you know what I mean. 

It's all caused me to wonder a time or two if I've always been like that or, to my greater horror, have my 6 years in isolation from the 'real world' turned me into being *gasp* socially awkward?! I hope not... 

All that to say, it's been good for me. I'm placed in uncomfortable situation after uncomfortable situation and instead of the sweaty pits that accompanied me a week ago, I have a new outlook on it. Instead of feeling like I'm being 'dragged' along, I find myself accepting the challenge of getting to know the random details of the people I'm now interacting with, of accepting the unknown of each circumstance and embracing the adventure that accompanies it. 

When I ease up and stop letting my insecurities/fears be crippling, I'm able to throw horseshoes with a group of doctors, play volleyball with MBA students, do crafts with a bunch of married/engaged women, drink coffee with international students, watch Florida beat Tennessee with kind souls... and have some really sweet conversations in the meantime. 

You already know by now that I'm a person who gets too comfortable, a person who is too easily scared of what I don't know. I don't really have an the option of staying within my comfort zone anymore though...and I don't even want to. 

At camp we followed the model below: 

We wanted campers to be out of their comfort zone and into their stretch zone, because that's when true learning and true change could happen. I think it's the same for us, only we very rarely have 2 camp counselors urging us out of our comfortable ways. 

I know I'm just a written voice in a little box, an unknown distance from where you currently sit... but I want to challenge you to evaluate where you're at in within these concentric circles. Are you living your entire life in the comfort zone? Or are you doing things that are maybe a bit uncomfortable, a bit scary, a bit unknown... are you stretching yourself? And if you're in the panic zone, we can talk later. 

Do something different today. Do something that's not typically 'you'. 

You may even discover that you like doing something you didn't think you did. It happened to me. I kind of think I might actually enjoy meeting new people. 

Give it a whirl and let me know how it goes. 

And perhaps you might spur others to step out of their comfort zones in the process, too. 

Perhaps change is essential and we won't ever get there unless we're willing. 

So, go, stretch. Get down and break a sweat. 

You ain't seen nothing yet. 

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Just a Friend

Did you know that I'm a songwriter?

Yep.
I used sit in the bathtub for hours, churning out song after song after song as I tried out my own poetic lyrics to my all-original melodies. The bathroom was the best for this because of the acoustics, so I cozied down in the hot bubbles, all set up in my very own studio.

It was the life of an aspiring 13-year-old girl. My first hit was sung amongst my family (especially my brothers), as they mocked the teenage angst that had clearly come out through my lyrics.

Why do you try
When you do cry
All alone, all alone

How long does it take for you
When you are feeling so wrong
To stop your feelings
Why do you try
When you do cry

I'd say it truly debuted during my first year working full-time at camp, though. I sang it over the microphone to a few friends when I thought no one else was around to hear me...but you can be assured that I was wrong about that.

As you can see, it didn't make a ton of sense (which is why we still laugh about it today), but the tune was also strangely brilliant and awful. I got a bit better. In the midst of my early teenage uneasiness, I also wrote a song about boys. I think it's a song you might hear on any country radio station.

Just a friend
how could he think
I was just some girl who he thought was
Just a friend

3 years later
I always saw him
with that special grin
he took the other girls away
but I knew I was
Just a friend

It was entitled 'Just a Friend', in case you couldn't tell. As tragically pathetic as all of this is, this second song seemed to become the soundtrack of my life. I always felt like just the friend. I remember weeping at the grande finale of Dawson's Creek because Pacey, the best friend, had won the heart of Joey. It gave me this strange hope that my ending could also be different.

I felt like a lot of my crushes had been wrapped up in guys who were also my close friends. We had crossed into the friend zone and there was no going back. While I saw our closeness as intimate and special, they were thankful for a companion who they didn't have to worry would fall in love with them. It was always a fun scenario when they found out they were wrong about that small detail. I tried my best to avoid ever letting them know, but sometimes... sometimes I just had to be honest. I usually always think this is the wrong move (especially in hindsight).

So... if you find yourself crushing on your best friend?
Don't even mess with it. While I've had some incredible guy friends and we've gone through the, 'You like me, but I don't like you back' phase...I think we'd be better friends today if all of that stuff hadn't come up between us. It goes both ways, really. Great guy friends who liked me and I wasn't interested at all... I kind of wish they had never told me.

'Cause here's the thing: the feelings pass. They do. It might take a long while, especially if you continue pouring your heart out to them and only them and putting yourself in situations where they are meeting needs that they shouldn't be... but, on the whole, they go away. You meet someone else, they meet someone else (which automatically means you should probably back off a little and allow their new relationship to flourish). You go separate directions. Sometimes you keep in touch, sometimes you don't. It's okay.

I assure you that I'm incredibly thankful I didn't have the opportunity to date all of my close guy friends when I thought I wanted to. Sometimes being just a friend is the sweetest thing of all.

Enjoy the friendship.
Let this be a season where it's just good...and don't try to make it into something it's not. He'll let you know if he's interested (if he ever is and when he is ready). Be yourself and be his friend (not the weird version of yourself you turn into when you want a guy to notice you).

That's it.

Just a friend.
It's a good place to be.

Maybe I'll even write a new song about it...

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Getting Dirty

I like getting dirty.

Not necessarily where you're literally covered head to toe and mud is oozing out of every orifice and you're still finding it behind your ears a few days later type of dirty...although sometimes that's fun, too. And, no, not necessarily the sexual type of dirty, either.

The type of dirty that matters.

The last week has stirred up some emotions in me that I had forgotten existed. I got to witness my eldest brother gearing up for a grand opening of a church plant. It required meetings, phone calls, early mornings, late nights, taking responsibility for things... and it's all volunteer. I got to sit in on a different church plant meeting with my youngest older brother (he's the 3rd of us 4 kids, and I'm the baby... just in case that got confusing) and his wife. As the church discussed starting out in a new location, they were soliciting the help of those who weren't afraid to get dirty...to arrive early to set up, to stay after to tear down, to sacrifice time, energy, and money for a cause they believed in.

As I've also been sifting through a lot of old memories (photos, emails, journals), I started getting nostalgic thinking about my earlier days working at camp full-time. When summer staff left, all that remained were 10 people to do everything to keep a year-round camp running.  We were jacks-of-all-trades by necessity. I quickly came to consider myself a professional dishwasher and shower scrubber as we cleaned up and prepared for new groups to arrive almost weekly.  Camp had just finished its seventh summer and we were constantly relying on a few generous donors to help pay off our monthly debt.  We were never guaranteed our next paycheck, but we worked long hours in faith that God would provide. 

We weren't afraid to get dirty... in fact, it was required that we did. Camp wouldn't function if we weren't willing to do anything and everything (including emptying out the slop buckets at the dump when it was usually inevitable that the conglomeration of congealed gravy, eggs, mashed potatoes would splash on you--the worst was when it sometimes, somehow, got in your mouth...). 

It's the type of dirty that when you say you need 'all hands on deck', you literally mean that you need all hands on deck. Every person is necessary, every person plays a vital role. The type of dirty where you don't possibly slack off because you know your team is counting on you, and you know that your goal, your mission, your vision is so much greater than you. 

It's the type of dirty that feels more refreshing and renewing than anything else, because it's centered around the gospel...and from that everything flows. It's the reason it's all worth it, and at the end of the day, no matter how tired you are...you're 100% convinced that your labor was not in vain. 

It's the type of dirty that's rewarding because of the fruit it bears. It's the type of dirty that flourishes, that gives life, that grows into something you could never hope for or imagine. 

I want to get dirty again. 
I want to work hard for the sake of the gospel. 
I want to help start things, I want to help things thrive... I want to do whatever it takes. 

I don't know when the last time is that you got dirty for the sake of the gospel. I don't know when the last time is that you sacrificed sleep, time, money for the sake of the gospel. I don't know when the last time is that you took a risk, that you took a chance, that you jumped into something you weren't sure would even be 'successful' simply because you thought the end goal was worth it...that you thought more people would know Jesus because of your efforts. 

I hope we'll all start looking for ways we can get dirty. 
Look for ways to help a struggling ministry, join a church plant, devote yourself to a team of believers that are unified in vision and passion...not because of what you'll get out of it, but because of what you can contribute to it...because you know that Jesus Christ is worth it, because you know He has given you gifts to be used so that He might be more glorified. Use them! 

Getting dirty doesn't have to look a certain way, just be willing to do it. 
Abandon everything else for the sake of Christ, for He is who we serve. 

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The Wait is Over

There are LOTS of single people in the world.

Let me clarify- there are LOTS of single women in the world. Lots of single, Christian women. But, I think most of us are looking around, wondering why we're still the only ones who are single.

Or, maybe that's just me... or maybe it's just the bombardment of engagements and weddings and babies lately. Does anyone else feel like that's all their Facebook newsfeed has become? That and politics. It's cool. I genuinely love rejoicing with my friends in their moments of celebration and excitement...I love seeing them glowing and stepping into a new chapter in life.

I can't help but feel a little left behind though. My best friend from high school is pregnant with her third baby. My best friend from college is a happily married doctor. Almost all my other friends are married, pregnant, or have at least one or two kids.

I feel old. And young. Old because I know I'm the same age as them and they are in a completely different stage of life... it's sometimes hard for me to not feel like I 'should' also be in a similar stage. Young because I mostly still feel like I'm in my early 20's, enjoying no commitments and doing whatever I please. It's a weird place to exist in.

As I continue to talk to single, Christian women (usually college-aged)...I can easily identify with their feelings toward relationships and marriage. It seems there's always an air of waiting, or a bold proclamation that Jesus is their boyfriend, or an apathy toward the entire subject.

I remember myself in college, wrestling deeply with a longing to really be pursued by a man who loved Jesus wholeheartedly but never having it happen. I remember thinking about it constantly, or trying to constantly not be thinking it about it constantly. My freshman year I had a conversation with a sophomore girl who told me that every time she thought about guys, she immediately began to pray. She had also given up talking to guys--it was almost like a fast. I wasn't too sure about the latter, but the praying thing sounded good. It sounded in line with the whole 'taking your thoughts captive' idea. So, I tried it. From what I recall, it was good while it lasted....but it only lasted so long.

And I guess that's my point. We're always trying to find these ways to cope with the waiting process, searching for things to fill our minds and hearts as we secretly beg and plead for the Lord to bring that guy along. 'Cause somewhere within us, even though we might disappointed and defeated with our current reality, we still hope that it'll happen for us. We still hope that God will come through and bring someone that we can share life with...even if it's just a small shred, right now.

Here are my current thoughts on the issue:

1. Don't put your life on hold because you are waiting for the possibility of marriage. Don't fill your life with ministry simply because you think that the more you give, the more you invest, the more you love others, the more you've 'done your time' that means it earns you the right to a relationship...that somehow God will be indebted to you. He's not. As one blogger put it, Jesus is the end goal, not our means to a life we think we should have. 
2. I don't know if Jesus is your boyfriend...or husband...or whatever else. I'm not sure if us viewing Christ in a romantic light is even Biblical. If, when you say that, you're simply saying that you want Christ to be all-fulfilling and all-satisfying--that you want Him to be your everything, I can buy it. Maybe the confusion is in how we interpret the word 'love', and while we are deeply loved by, sought after, and saved by Christ...I think that the love of Christ is very different than that of a romantic love that we often think of in a romantic relationship. An eros type of love vs. an agape type of love. 
3. Your apathy might be a coping mechanism for a deeper loneliness, or it might just be a that you genuinely don't care if you get married. Be willing to dive deeper if need be, but don't over-analyze and make up something that's not there either. 

Bottom line?

Be honest about where you're really at. 

Does it break your heart every time you hear of another friend in another relationship because you desperately wish it were you this time? Be willing to admit that, to cry about it...and then proclaim that this isn't your reason for existence and then walk in that. 

Check your motives for declaring vows of singleness. Are you doing it because you think, deep down, that if you surrender your hopes/dreams for a relationship that maybe then the Lord will see your faithfulness and award you with a man? 

When I was younger, I used to always feel sorry for the older women I knew who were still single. Now I am one of those women...and it's okay. I wouldn't trade one moment of my single years and the things I was able to do for a greater purpose, impacting more lives eternally than I could have ever dreamed of. I hate that younger women probably feel sorry for me...but I get it. 

I'll keep pursuing Jesus, I'll keep chasing dreams...hoping that each step I take advances the gospel more. Perhaps one of those steps will someday include a husband and family. It's not what I'm waiting for anymore, though.

I hope you stop waiting, too. I hope you stop looking, searching, coping...and acknowledge that He is the end goal, even when you don't always feel like it. 

He is. 

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When God Disappoints

We went whale watching the other day.

We were on a large boat that could hold over 200 people and, to be honest, I didn't have such high hopes for the adventure. I wanted to see whales jumping out of the water, fully extended so I could capture some sweet shots of them mid-air. In my head, that's what whale watching was...but things don't usually ever turn out the way I imagine they will, so I tried to have low expectations.

It was like the time I was in Hawaii and my friend and I randomly, spur of the moment, decided to go skydiving. We pulled up to small trailer at the edge of the island, were rushed into some harnesses, signed our lives away and stared at each other in disbelief that we were about to jump out of a plane. A few minutes later they informed us that we wouldn't be able to jump after all...the weather had gotten too bad. We did get to go a few days later, but we lost a bit of the luster that came with the spontaneity of the adventure.

It was like the time a few weeks ago when a group of us tried to go hang gliding. We had bought a groupon deal almost a year ago and were pumped to soar in the sky like a bird for a while. Instead of flight, we received lessons and a few good seconds of airtime as we learned how to move and adjust our body according to the glider and the wind. Still cool, sure...but it wasn't what we thought it would be.

It was like the time I was in India and I begged and pleaded with the Lord to heal this 5-year-old girl of her inability to walk, speak, function like a human being and nothing happened.

I could probably list a thousand other instances where I wanted to do something or be a part of something that seemed awesome, but for whatever reason it ended up either not working out at all, or it simply was a disappointing experience.

I started processing this a bit on our long boat ride out to see the whales. And as much as I know truth, I really found myself in this struggle to believe that God wants good for me...even in the little things. Or that I'm scared to tell him things or ask for things or admit that I want anything at all, because I fear it won't happen. Sometimes it's easier to pretend I don't want something and to be excited or thankful if it comes along.

In the grand scheme of life, I'm not sure it really matters that I see whales jumping, get to go on a skydiving or hang gliding adventure, or witness an actual physical healing. I think the thing that matters more is recognizing continued distortion of how I view the Lord. I say continued, because this is nothing new. At the end of the day, I don't know if I fully believe that God cares about being good to me. I don't know how to get there, and I feel like a 'bad' Christian because of it.

These are those times that people typically spout scripture at me and assure me that God is good. It's one of those times where I know that...but in the middle of riding out the see the whales, I found it easier to convince myself that I wouldn't actually see anything cool because cool things don't really ever happen to me.

And so we rode on...and on...and on. We circled around for a long while, and my projection began to seem more and more likely. No whales for us. But then?? There were some spotted in the distance. We pulled up closely and all of us ran to the side of the boat to capture a glimpse of the enormous beasts. I clicked away at my camera, catching a tail or two or the backside of a whale (which really just looked like a log).

Every time I got to a place to see or take a better picture, it seemed I had just missed it. A woman next to me commented, 'You're bad luck. Anytime you get close, they disappear.' Ha! I felt like she had just spoken the story of my life. Even in the midst of getting to see the whales, all I felt was disappointment... and I knew that somewhere deep in me, I blamed God for it.

My brother and I stayed on one side of the ship when mostly everyone else was on the other side. A few moments later, 2 whales (a mama and a baby) decided to come to our side. We had a perfect view.

And while I didn't get the picture of a whale in midair that day, I got this one...and I love it. As we lingered, we watched this babe and mom roll over, flap their pectoral fins, slap their tails. Apparently a lot of the behavior we got to witness was 'rare'.

It was here that the Lord reminded me that He is good...even if it's different than I want or expect. I think I learn this lesson a lot--and I might continue to for the rest of my life. Sometimes we just need reminders.

Things I know?
God is good.
Things I believe?
God is good.

And beyond just living like that, I want it to infiltrate the way that I think...so when things don't necessarily go the way that I hoped, I might just genuinely believe that it's better.

As we struggle through the commotion in our minds/hearts over what it means to truly follow Jesus and how the external and the internal bleed into one another...may we find the joy of simply trusting that He is exactly who He says that He is.

And may there be no disappointment in that.

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Expose Yourself

I'm kind of a beast.

Not the kind of beast who is strong and awesome at everything she does. The kind that is literally a beast. A hairy one.

I've been going through a bunch of old photos recently as I work on an 'on-the-side' work project, and I came across this gem:

Yes, that's a picture of one of my arms next to one of my guy friends' arms. Can you even tell whose arm is whose? I wish I could say the hair was always that blonde, but this was immediately following a summer of being out in the sun.

This is the one thing I've try to hide about myself more than anything else. In my list of things I always wanted in a guy, 'hairier than me' was pretty high up there. It was mortifying to watch people's eyes drift as they caught a glimpse of my arm and know exactly what they were thinking. I sometimes avoided little kids because while the rest of the world seemed able to resist saying anything about it, kids lacked the filter and, with disgust, commented on how hairy my arms were. Awesome.

I tried lots of things to fix it--Nair, shaving, waxing... my mom even felt so sorry for me she took me in for 3 treatments of laser hair removal. It didn't work. I gave up trying and decided to embrace my naturally woven arms. Keep in mind that this is just my arms we're talking about so far (although, I do relish the thickness of my head hair, ensuring that I'll most likely not go bald in my old age...).

One summer my hairiness taught me a very valuable lesson. I was a 3rd summer returning counselor, meaning I was a little cocky and thought I was 'too old' to learn anything new. I had a group of students that I had had before, and while not all the students were the same, I felt extremely comfortable with the leaders and several of the campers.

On this particular day we were out on a hike, and my co-counselor and I got the brilliant idea to create a complicated mess of a team challenge for the group. The group would carry a blindfolded and mute me to our next destination. It was brilliant because I could no longer talk or see or walk... but it was simultaneously terrible because I could no longer talk or see or walk.

As soon as we began, comments starting flying.
'Dang Hammer (because that's what I was called back then...)... you've got junk in the trunk!' was a favorite of mine that I remember from that day. Never before had I been insecure about the size of my tailend... until now. There was a wide array of complaining, moaning, and struggling to move just a few feet.

I stayed mute, and left my partner to lead the exercise. It wasn't long before I heard a commotion and one of our youngest campers was down for the count- defeated by heat exhaustion. My partner decided to run back to camp to get a vehicle to take the boy in. That left me alone, in all my camper's arms... not talking, seeing, or walking...because I wasn't entirely sure what all was even happening.

They kept talking and complaining...commenting about how heavy I was and how hard this task was. I wondered if they had forgotten that I could still hear everything they were saying. I was getting pretty frustrated, but everything ended when the following was said:

'Dang Hammer, you have a beard!!!'

Something internal snapped and immediately I was able to talk, see and walk again. I scurried out of their arms, very aware that a hot mess of tears was about to explode down my face. I was humiliated, called out on something I'm not even sure was true, but in that moment I felt exposed and naked. I took off down the road, leaving my entire group to fend for themselves with one sponsor. I ran back to camp weeping, no longer able to hold it all in.

Fortunately, I passed my co-counselor on the road as he was driving to retrieve the dehydrated boy. I didn't say much of anything, but one look on my face revealed to him how terribly upset I was. I kept walking back to camp and let him take care of the group. When I got there, the first person I saw was my boss. I went up to him, told him he should fire me because I had just left my entire group on the side of the road.

He was kind and showed much grace as we talked through the situation. I wasn't fired that day.

I tell this story because, while humiliating, this catastrophic event allowed for the Lord to work in a way that I never would have expected. As the group apologized to me, I was able to forgive. My co-counselor and I ended up washing their feet that night. Guess who put their faith in the Lord that night? The boy who had both commented on my junk in the trunk and my beard.

It's kind of surreal thinking about it.
The lesson I learned was all about how the Lord can use even the things we are most ashamed of, most embarrassed about...the thing we try to hide the most... for His glory. It was a life-altering moment of recognizing that even (what I think are) the ugliest parts of me can still be beautiful.

I've told this story a few times since then--all with this same desire and hope that others will seize this and not live in fear of being 'exposed'. There is nothing hidden that will not be made known, and I've found a lot of freedom in being able to openly talk about my biggest insecurities. There's been freedom as the Lord has used that and reminded me that it's not about me.

Shoot... wouldn't we all want our beards to be brought to everyone's attention if it meant that someone else knows Jesus by the end of the day?

So, what is it for you?
What things do you try to hide from the world? What things are you most ashamed of?
And what are ways that the Lord might be able to use that for His glory? 'Cause it can be done. Be open to it. Ha.. and even if you aren't? I imagine you'll find out, one way or another.

Also- I'm not saying go out and flaunt your biggest insecurities ('cause, don't worry, I now regularly shave my arms)... I'm just saying those things can be good and it'd be sweet if we could adopt a mentality of believing that even our 'ugliest' things really can be exquisite.

A little at a time.

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