Mostly because after my last post, I was pretty overwhelmed by the number of folks who (a) seem to care and (b) have had a similar journey in their attempts at having children. Also, a lot of you have asked how it went, which is also pretty humbling.
Thanks for caring.
Thanks for reaching out, for your kind words, for the stories you shared. I know we all handle this struggle differently and it's neat for me to be reminded that there are other people out there on a quest to have children and not just having it happen instantaneously. I also know that in the quest, there have been so many heartaches for so many of you. Losses, disappointments, despair. Lots of joy, after years of trying. I love what community can look like as we share our hearts and our stories with each other. I love how beautiful it can be, even if I don't really know you and even if you don't really know me. Because we're all just trying to figure this life out and doing the best we can with the hand we get dealt.
You guys are neat and I'm so blessed by the many of you who gave to me.
So here's where we're at.
I went to a Family Medicine doctor last week. Nothing special in the way of infertility, but because of my referral, I was confident that I could get at least a few more answers.
I wasn't sure if my nerves prior to the appointment were because of my fear of what the doctor might say or because of my heavy dislike of being poked and prodded, but I had that slightly queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach for a few hours leading up to the event.
It was fine.
Our options were laid out before us. After 2.5 years of trying with no pregnancies, we have a few decisons to make. It mostly just depends on how much time, money and effort we want to put into anything.
She told me that PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome) is hard to diagnose, but it's likely that I have it. It used to be required that cysts on the ovaries were necessary for the diagnosis, but more recently there are other symptoms that also give way to it, infertility being one of them.
So, here are our choices moving forward:
- Testing (me: pelvic ultrasound, husband: semen). She encouraged us to be tested to make sure we don't have anything we are unaware of.
- Medication. There are two known medications that can often help with PCOS: Clomid and Metformin. Both basically help regulate ovulation and help all the hormones do all the things they are supposed to do.
- IUI. Intrauterine insemination. This involved placing the sperm inside of the woman's uterus to hopefully facilitate fertilization.
- IVF. In Vitro Fertilization. A medical procedure where an egg is fertilized by a sperm in a test tube and then transferred to the uterus.
- Fertility clinic. She could refer us to the Fertility Clinic in Albuquerque and we do it all there, or we do a hodge podge of it in Santa Fe.
We haven't spent a ton of time processing or talking through it all, but we did tell her then that trying one of the medications would be at least something. I'm now taking Metformin, so we'll see how it goes. There's a high chance we'll get tested as things settle down around camp a bit more. Maybe just so we know. There's still a deep part of my heart that just thinks it'll work out how it's supposed to and I don't need to worry and that I don't need to try so hard to make something happen.
We had an end of summer celebration today with our full-time staff and families--filled with a lot of laughter and fun for me. We closed out the day with worship and one particular lyric struck my soul a bit profoundly even though I've heard it thousands of times.
This is my story, this is my song... praising my Savior all the day long.
It's from an old hymn called Blessed Assurance and something about this lyric was incredibly beautiful to me.
Because my story, my song... it doesn't have to be about me. It doesn't have to be about how I had to wait "forever" to get married, or about how I can't have kids, or about my job and my passions and me me me. But my story and my song... to be praising the Lord all the day long. Because blessed assurance, Jesus is mine.
Lyrics like that make me want to weep.
The words are powerful. Even more powerful when lived.
More than the cry of being single or childless, can the sound that echoes the loudest from me be a song of praise? A song of His goodness that dwells deep within me, despite what may surround me?
I want to share this journey with you. I want to share it because it's real life and it can sometimes weigh heavy on my heart. But I never want to share it in a way that communicates that Jesus is anything less than good and perfect and gracious and kind and gentle. I never want to share in a way that overshadows or disregards His goodness. I never want to share it in a way that doesn't show how much I desire for Him to be at the center of everything.
I love how the Lord covers my inadequacies.
I love how I'm reminded, through an age-old song, of what matters above all else.
These are the moments... the moments where I feel like I've been given something out-of-this-world. Moments where perspectives shift, where priorities align, where I get it. Moments that are indescribable.
And as much as I wish I could change and fix all the things that are wrong in this world... there's a peace, a hope, a joy, a promise that this life isn't it.
- Perfect submission, all is at rest,
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love. - This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long;
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long. - Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
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