Sunday, September 20, 2015

At Least I Can...

I'm sure you're all holding your breath and wondering, "Could this be the month for the Beals...?"

Well, it's not (for those of you who were actually wondering).

And before you think I'm devastated or crushed or heartbroken- please know that I'm okay. Really, truly okay. Not just saying I'm okay to appease the masses, but really okay.

We're in month 8 of this and I couldn't help but think the other day that if we had gotten pregnant when we had started trying, our lives would look really different right now. I'm thankful for the Lord's timing. It's better than ours. It's like He knows what He's doing or something...

I think my biggest thing with our inability to get pregnant right away is that it makes me somewhat worried that there's something is wrong with me/us. That maybe we'll never be able to get pregnant. I also think the assumption was that as soon as we started trying, we'd get pregnant. And it's all okay- I just know the "never" is a lot different to cope with than the "not right now". We'll cross that bridge if we get there.

The responses I've gotten have been so encouraging.
Thanks for the prayers.
For the honesty.
Thanks to those who have shared your continued struggles with infertility and how you're learning/growing and still seeking to trust the Lord. For reminding me, yet again, that God is faithful, even when it doesn't turn out the way that we might think we desire.

It is good.

Thanks for the many of you who have admitted that you may have also struggled with trying to get pregnant. For reminding me that not everyone gets pregnant immediately after starting to try. For reminding me that real people are going through this thing and we aren't just statistics. It's been incredibly freeing to be open about where we are at in the process.
"Debbie- when are you guys going have a baby?"
"No idea- but we're trying!"
It's usually pretty fun to see the shock on people's face when I invite them in, instead of readily denying or avoiding the questions. I don't want people to ever feel like they can't ask, especially now that we've declared our efforts. It seems like people are often scared or don't want to invade. It's always okay to ask how it's going/how we're doing. I won't melt into a puddle of tears. Yet.

When I was single, I wrote a lot of blogs about living in the tension of wanting but not having. I wanted to be married. Desperately (I'm sure you may remember...). And it felt like it would never happen. I remember one of my married friends writing to me around that time, relating to my blog posts about this tension in their attempts to get pregnant. Wanting but not having. Learning to be content and trust the Lord, no matter the circumstances.

I don't usually think I'm even fully ready to have kids yet, because every month, even in the midst of disappointment, there's a large part of me that's relieved for one reason or another. But I've wondered if that's some weird sort of defense mechanism in order to better cope. Instead of dwelling in the shadows of disappointment, I jump into the world of, "Well, at least I can...." (this month, its look forward to more travel with my husband).

I remember doing this a lot when I was single, too.
Oh, another guy didn't work out?
Well, at least I can... go wherever I want, whenever I want.... talk to whomever I want, whenever I want... spend money on whatever I want, whenever I want...

You get the idea.
We cope.
And if this plan we have for ourselves doesn't work out exactly the way we might have hoped... at least I can... do, try, think, hope for something different. At least I can find some positives in the midst of this cyclical disappointment I can't ever seem to escape.

I'm not convinced it's the best way of dealing.
I know it's not the worst.
I suppose, more than anything, I just want to fully trust the Lord and do away with the feeble attempts to make myself feel better. To admit that I want a baby, to admit that there's disappointment and often shame, fear, worry, and feelings of "this is never going to happen" that accompany the monthly routines... but to just trust the Lord. To trust that He is good.

I don't want to live my life so consumed with what I don't have, that I forget all that I do have. I have a lot.

I don't want to live in such a way that I'm consumed by anything that isn't directly related to the Lord who He he is asking me to be (whether that be marriage, babies, job things, people, body-image, etc.). And while all of these things can have traces of that,  I can't let it be defining of who I am or who I want to be.

There's always more.
There's always eternity to think about.
There's always something bigger, greater, deeper than I can ever possibly imagine.
Something that isn't so limited by my narrow perspective and way of living.
There's more important things-- more important things that He is calling me to, asking of me, reminding me of. More important things like knowing Jesus and considering everything else a loss compared to that.

And, if all things in life, no matter how hard or how good, enable me to gain more of Him...
Then I am blessed.

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