Thursday, April 24, 2014

I can't.

It's almost here.

A year ago I was in the thick of finals, papers, presentations....and it felt pretty easy. My responsibilities consisted of making sure that I was well-prepared, studying enough, giving enough time to thoroughly research and then regurgitate all of my research. If I didn't do well enough, it only really affected me. And then it was summer...a free summer!

It was a breath of fresh air after a decade of intense summers and lots of responsibility.

And then I stepped back into camping ministry.
And summer means something entirely different than it did a year ago.

Now I'm in the thick of hiring, planning, scheduling, creating, programming, communicating...and it feels pretty daunting. My responsibilities (and my success or failure of executing them) seem to only affect others. My co-workers, the staff we're hiring, the programs we're developing, the campers that are coming, the guests we're serving. Everything is contingent upon something else... and sometimes it feels overwhelming. Terrifying, even.

I can't do this.
My brain screams at me as a I try to fall asleep at night.
There's still this, and that, and... oh, what will we do about that? Or this? Or....
It can go on for hours, if I let it.

Even outside the projects, the construction, the activities that are still yet to be built, the programming, the scheduling, the staffing... even outside of all of that feeling incomplete, my biggest burden lies in deeply longing for Truth to be presented clearly and accurately. That all things would point back to Jesus, to what He has done for us, to why that absolutely changes everything.

Sometimes I think that if we're doing that, everything will be okay. More than okay, even.

It's in that hope alone that I can put to rest my people-pleasing addiction.
Am I doing everything I can to please the Lord? Have I made that my goal--the thing I aim for?

Too often I get honed in, fixated on all there is to do....fixated on a fear of failure...fixated on disappointing others.

And then Jesus reminds me that it is in my weakness that He can be strong. He reminds me that His grace is sufficient. He reminds me that He is the goal. He reminds me of the bigger picture. He reminds me that I wasn't made for this world. He reminds me to choose Him, to choose eternity every time.

When I decided to take this job last summer, I remember knowing that we could never be successful without the Lord paving the way, without Him guiding, without us trusting in Him constantly.

A new summer is upon us.
A summer of unknowns.
A summer of over 10,000 guests to serve.
A summer of Christ being made known.
This is happening.

And, I do believe, that as long as we are making it our goal to please Him in all things... everything else will be okay.

I can't do it.
And I'm so thankful.

Your entries will remain anonymous

No comments:

Post a Comment