Tuesday, July 24, 2012

He/She/I Should...

I often wonder how many of us are discontent in life.

Discontent because we're not where we think we 'should' be.
'Should' could be a literal place, but I think, more often than not, it's this state of existence that we've created for ourselves.

We 'should' be better Christians- we 'should' pray more, read our Bibles more, praise the Lord more, be more selfless, love others more.
We 'should' be happier- we 'should' be more joyful, despite our circumstances.
Our relationships 'should' be a romantic mess where everything else around us fades away and time stands still. A place where dreams are fulfilled and we are finally complete.

I'm mostly tired of 'shoulds'.
'Should' has become this tragedy because it reminds me that almost nothing is exactly how it 'should' be. 'Should' has become an ideal that too often leaves me disappointed and scattered, searching for a trace of its existence in a fallen world.

A world of 'shoulds' has caused me to judge others harshly.
A world of 'shoulds' has caused me to never think I'm good enough.

In this world of 'shoulds' others should always be better and I should always try harder.

Too often I'm disappointed. Too often I'm discontent. Too often I exist in misery because my reality isn't ever a fulfillment of the 'shoulds' but more often it's a reminder of how much the 'shouldn'ts' take victory.

I keep thinking about the damage that has been done. I keep wondering when the taste of disappointment and inadequacy will fade from our souls. I keep wondering how much guilt is wrapped around our hearts and how much pride is mixed up in that, forming some complicated web we can never undo ourselves.

I just wonder if we've been doing/thinking things wrong our whole lives.
That instead of freedom, we've walked straight into prison.
Instead of living life to the full, we've slaughtered every bit of joy and delight.

I don't know if you can relate.
I mostly know that I've spent the greater part of my life always feeling like I 'should' be better. I've spent the greater part of my life expecting that others 'should' also be better. And instead of allowing me to be me and others to be themselves...I've existed in a place of wanting more, of never being satisfied.

Pushing toward better is one thing...but striving toward impossible?
The more challenging part is that my 'shoulds' are often different from your 'shoulds'. And, to some degree, I probably want you to hold yourself to my standard of 'shoulds' instead of your own. My selfishness is unveiled.

I wonder how much I miss out on the good right before me because I'm too consumed with the absence of what 'should' be.

I'm tired of overlooking the good.
I'm tired of the discontentment.

It's time to turn a new page, to sing a new song... it's time for a fresh start.
Right here, right now.

I'm through measuring myself and others up to a list of 'shoulds' and 'shouldn'ts'

Are you?

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