When Texting is Bad

Dear Jimmy,

So, that's not actually your real name and I don't even know you... but I heard about some text messages you've been sending to one of my friends, and, well... we need to talk.

I imagine that you're sending these particular text messages because you're a little shy or insecure and you're trying to get a feel for if this girl would even give you a shot? It's understandable. We live in a time where it's become very easy to minimize risk as we try to put our heart out there... a time when we are able to take much precaution as we face possible rejection. It's usually easier to take small, risky steps than it is to take a giant leap. I get it.

So, you ask her to be your friend on Facebook. She accepts. Things are feeling good, huh? While you might be aware of her every move on the social networking site, you gotta play it cool. Only 'like' things, or write on her wall every so often... if you do it excessively, you'll most likely look too desperate. See if she responds back to your comments. If she does, it seems safe to take the next step. You might instigate a Facebook chat... which eventually leads into suggestions for group hangouts (those are always safe, right?) meaning you'll need her number.

Okay, okay... so I don't know exactly how it all played out and maybe you exchanged numbers under the guise of friendship without any of the romantic feelings even being there from the beginning. Maybe they've slowly developed over time and you already have this basis of a friendship established and so moving out of the 'friend' zone feels a bit tricky.

No matter how it happened you now have her number for one reason or another. Here are a few tips on what to avoid if you truly want to capture the heart of the lady you are most certainly interested in:

• DON'T hypothetically ask her out over text messages, Facebook messages, emails. Don't put 'feelers' out there just so you can get a better idea of what she's going to say if you do decide you want to ask her out. Not only does this make you appear as though you're not sure if you're even interested, but it sends a thousand different messages to the female which puts her in utter turmoil until you clear the air (if you ever even do). 
• DON'T ask her out over text messages, Facebook messages, emails. It's a big deal for you to ask a girl out, I get that... so, make it a big deal. Do it in person, if you can. You can even call her (I mean, you already have her phone number). It's important for her to know that you're making an effort, going out of your way, taking a risk and putting yourself out there. Don't let yourself just 'happen' into a date--be intentional about it. Plus, things always get misinterpreted and confusing over these forms of communication. You don't want her thinking that you're kidding when you're not or, for your sake, having to wait to hear back from her for a response! 
• DON'T make her take the risk first. I believe your exact texts were, 'So are we ever gonna go see a movie?... Would you want to go with just us?...Wouldn't that be a date?' By asking her those question, you're making her take the risk first, which most girls aren't inclined to do. In her head she's now thinking...'Well, if I tell him I that I do want it to be just the two of us, he might think that's too forward or he might have completely other intentions... and if I don't tell him that, then I may miss out on an opportunity to be alone with him...'. Utter turmoil. Man up. Tell her your intentions. Tell her that you want to take her out on a date, just the two of you. Tell her that you'd like to get to know her better. And then let her respond. 
• DON'T be afraid of romance. Despite what some girls (like me...) say about how they hate romantic gestures, little things can go a long way. I don't necessarily mean expensive jewelry or a radio over the head outside my window type of gesture (at least not initially), but almost every girl loves feeling doted upon. Make her feel special in some way. It's risky, yes... but, it's only going to help your chances of scoring the date. Write a note, say kind things, give her a little something that you know she'll appreciate that lets her know that you were thinking of her. You can actually probably tell from her response to this gesture if she'd even want to go on a date with you. 

I get that it's all risky which means that it's all scary. I get that there's the possibility of rejection and that your pride is on the line and that maybe you've even had some bad experiences in the past. I get it. 

But, c'mon. 

If you really want to pursue a girl and pursue her well, you gotta just go for it. You have to decide that she's worth it (even if the result is catastrophic and it's completely a one-sided affair) and go for it, no matter the outcome. You'll survive it... I'm sure. 

I used to boldly declare that I truly believed that any guy could get any girl if he just pursued her well. And, I still kind of think it's true, although I realize there are some exceptions to the rule. My point is mostly that if a guy pursues a girl well... if he is honest and upfront with her about his intentions, if he makes her feel like she's the most beautiful and wonderful thing, if he pushes her towards being a better person, if he inspires her, if he takes risks for her, if he just decides she's worth it no matter the cost... that most guys could get most girls. 

So, Jimmy. 

You like this girl, right? 

Stop testing the water and just take the plunge. Stop hiding behind your phone and your computer. 

Ask her out. 

What the worst that happens? If she says no, now you know. 

There's obviously a lot more I could say and a lot more specifics I could delve into...but I think the thing you need to take away the most from this is to stop texting weird/flirty/unclear things to girls that send them into a tizzy. If you like her, do something about it. An actual something, not just a sort of something. 

That's all for now. 

Good luck out there. 

-Debbie

Oh, and Jimmy...? The other thing is that you can't really screw it up. If she likes you, it doesn't matter if you text her or email her or say all the wrong things at all the wrong times. It'll work out. Take some comfort in that. 

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