Girl Friends

I have a hard time making good girl friends.

I could blame it on a number of things (like the fact that I grew up with three older brothers, or that I'd much rather do sporty/outdoorsy things than get my nails done)...but, I think there are quite a few girls out there that share my sentiments who would rather get their nails done and who have no brothers. I kind of think it's a challenge that many a girl encounters in life, in one season or another. I am not the exception.

So what is it that's so challenging about female friendship?

I kind of think that on some level, most girls are territorial, jealous, or easily threatened (or maybe all three). I'm noticing it now more than ever since I've just moved to a new location and am attempting to make friends with people. There's a difference in entering into something all at once with a group of people vs. entering into something when almost everyone else has already been there for a while. Lots of times girls already have good friends and they aren't really looking for more.

Suddenly I'm walking into scenarios where I immediately feel as though I've just invaded a private dinner party, even though I had an invitation to attend. Why? Mostly because of the women. I can almost feel them sizing me up. If my appearance doesn't already condemn me (for one reason or another), there then becomes many a different area in which we shall now be competing, regardless of if I'm even aware of it or not.

I've just entered into a den where a lionness is determined to protect what belongs to her. This is her scene and her friends (especially the guys, in case I was thinking about getting any funny ideas...). Okay, it's not usually that extreme, but I can definitely pick up vibes when I'm not necessarily wanted. Tolerated? Sure. But not wanted...at least by the majority of the girls. There are, of course, the obligatory questions that the ladies ask in order to appear somewhat interested in getting to know you (or at least in order to not be completely rude to the new person on the scene).

I know that I'm most likely reading into things...but I also know that many of you ladies know exactly what I'm talking about. It's hard to get to know other women, especially when you feel like you're invading their space. Why would they want to be friends with a new girl who could potentially change the dynamic of what they've grown accustomed to? Why would they want to be friends with a new girl who could potentially become decent friends with the guy that they've been interested in for years? Who wouldn't feel somewhat threatened by that?

I get it.
I, shamefully, have probably made other girls feel this way, even if it was unintentional. It's inexcusable to me now. (I'm so sorry if you're reading this and I've ever made you feel like this...)

Instead of being driven by a desire to know people and to care for them deeply, I've often been more concerned with maintaining my comfort zone and having everything (and everyone) around me precisely the way I wanted. Because....what if a new girl came in was better than me at sports, or writing, or connecting with other people, or discipleship, or having fun, or being adventurous, or being funny, or being laid back, or being a Christian? What if other people liked her more than me?

I think the threat of the new girl makes us feel as though our current relationships will change and we will soon be substituted for her and it causes us to panic. Immediately we feel replaceable and that our friends will start choosing her over us.

Sometimes our natural response to a new girl coming into our scene reveals just how insecure we really are...

Fortunately, I've met a few ladies who have welcomed me in with open arms and made me feel very included in their lives and other friendships (with guys and girls alike). The differences in these interactions have caused me to recognize how cold and unwelcoming territorial, jealous and easily threatened women can be. It's caused me to be aware of how cold I can be to other women, even when I'm the new one.

It's a good wake-up call for me.

The female friendship is tricky to navigate and I think it takes time. Time to sort through all the issues that arise when you're still getting a feel for the other person. But, I think that both sides need to be willing to make an effort. I think the new person needs to be proactive in pursuing friendships and not getting sucked into believing that everything she thinks everyone is thinking about her is actually what they are thinking about her. Oftentimes it can be misconstrued out of insecurity or simply not knowing the other women well enough yet. I think she needs keep trying, even when people seem too busy or that they already have a lot of friends.

I think the old person needs to be proactive in making new people feel welcomed, in engaging in meaningful conversations, in inviting the new girl to future activities/gatherings (shoot, if you don't, it may very well end up being your good guy friend extending the pity invite to the new girl because no girls want to be her friend...don't you love the 'ol backfire?). Maybe she will change things for you a little, but maybe that's okay...maybe you'll be surprised by the friend you gain in being willing to give a new girl a chance.

I know I've been abundantly blessed by the women who were willing to give this new girl a chance. I know I've been continually impressed by their maturity and their desire to include me and not exist in a world where they let the fear of their current relationships changing threaten them.

Reach out to the new girl.
She's not intentionally out to get you, or to be better at you than everything, or to steal your guy friends, or your best female friend away from you. She's, more than likely, just wanting a friend...wanting to find people to connect to that she has things in common with. Give her a chance. Don't allow your selfishness, your controlling nature, your jealousy or your fears to get in the way of loving her well.

And yes, I'm willing (and need) to take my own advice.
Female friendships can be really, really beautiful things. I've come along way in the last ten years of allowing them into my life and understanding the importance of them. You, as a woman, need them...and don't try to convince yourself that you don't.

Let's be people who love others well (regardless of their gender). And I think we may be a bit surprised when we are willing to love those women who we feel most threatened by and most jealous of.

Ahh... the lessons of life...

Submit Your Stories/Questions/Struggles Here

Your entries will remain anonymous