Desire

I had an image the other day where I was virtually stabbing myself in the heart.

Die, die, die, die...

Over and over again.

Morbid, right?
Notice I said virtually. Which mostly means that in my continued desires for relationship and family, I suddenly had the urge to Kill Them.

I don't know how to kill desire, though. You can ignore it, you can run from it, you can hide its existence... but to kill it? To have it be gone forever? With no possibility for return?  To put it to death for once and for all...?

The visual of my heart being stabbed, while gruesome, seemed to arouse something within. It's as though my heart, in between each blow, was crying out, trying to say something.

Because, while I wanted to be done with the desires, with the 'wanting but not having' tension, with the  unshakeable feeling that my heart is truly evil and it cannot be trusted...my heart was pleading its case. It wanted to be heard before I stifled it out completely.

This isn't bad, Debbie. These things that you want, they aren't inherently bad.

It hit me.
It's how I choose to respond to the desire that typically leaves me in a bad spot. It's how I choose to respond to desire when I'm not getting what I think I want. It's how I choose to respond when things aren't going as planned.

In the moment, I was choosing to respond by killing the desire. Moving to Africa seemed enticing (for a thousand reasons, but one of them probably felt like running away from any possibilities of marriage/family). But sometimes I choose to respond in other ways. Sometimes I take action...trying to do anything and everything to satisfy the desire. Sometimes I just pretend the desire doesn't exist. Sometimes I choose to get so busy and involved in other things that I forget that I even have the desire at all.

But it always comes back.
You want this.

My brother told me the other day that I was handling things pretty well. When my mouth dropped in shock, he went on to remind me that at least I wasn't sleeping around and trying to date any guy with a pick-up truck (that's not on my 'list', by the way...). It seemed absurd, as those things weren't even thoughts that crossed my mind... but it made me realize that I could choose to respond in ways other than what I'm doing now.

I don't know what your desire is right now....but I'm very aware that there are a lot of people in the world who want a lot of different things, and a lot of those things aren't bad (and, even if they seem bad, I wonder if the root of those desires are actually good). Maybe it's a spouse or family, maybe it's a particular job, maybe it's a baby, maybe it's a good friend, or maybe it's something else that you don't really have control over acquiring. But, how we choose to respond could probably be better.

What do you want?
What is your desire?
How are you responding to your desires? Do you acknowledge that they exist? Do you allow yourself to exist in the tension of wanting but not having? And, how do you live out of that?

Are you trying to kill the desires, or forget that they're there, or embrace them to the fullest? Do you allow yourself to mourn the unfulfilled desire? Are you honest with the Lord about your desires?

I know that I've really pushed for honesty with the Lord lately, but, gosh...
Get alone and be honest about the desires of your heart, the things you really want. Cry. Be angry. Beg. And then trust.

It's so good.

Stop trying to kill the desire.
Stop trying to pretend it's not there.
Stop trying to take control of it and fulfill it in any way that you know how.

Let go.
Every day, if you have to. Multiple times a day.

The desire isn't bad, my friends.
But, how we respond to the desire is pretty key as we seek to live lives that are about abundantly more than ourselves. I think we'll find, in the end, that when we are willing to release and truly surrender our desires over to the Lord, actually trusting Him with them...that we can relax and know that they rest in the hands of Someone who understands them and us more than we ever will, even if that means not getting what we think we want when we think we want it. As my brother said, 'His intentions are better than our expectations.'

He'll take care of us.
And if you don't really believe that...? Maybe make that your prayer tonight... that you would believe it.

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