I wouldn't necessarily go down in history as the worst person in all mankind, but I'm certainly not the best. I've had my fair share of crazy antics and made many a mistake, not to mention the heartaches that stem from broken trust, betrayal and general feelings of rejection. Sometimes I'm oblivious to the wounds that I still carry and sometimes I'm acutely aware of them.
The times I'm most aware of them are the times when I'm contemplating entering into another relationship. There have been a few guys in my life who I've encountered that had never really dated anyone prior to me and that fact alone caused me to halt.
Hold up...
Because, while I'm bringing in all of this junk... your slate is clean?
While I've kissed more guys than I'd ever care to admit, you've never kissed anyone?
While I've been heartbroken a countless number of times, you've never really been hurt?
I don't think you can handle this.
(Destiny's Child's lyrics to Bootylicious are bouncing around in my heard right now in a completely different context, of course).
My most recent encounter with such a guy involved a lot of fear and a desire to protect his pure-ish heart from all the of gross plaque on my heart, especially as we discussed the possibilities of a relationship. I didn't want my past, my hurts, my broken experiences to play such a fatalistic role in romantic comedy where the other lead is full of optimism and joy. Where he saw opportunity and hope, I only saw hurt and despair.
I hurt people. All I have to offer you right now is broken trust and jaded views on how relationships ought to be. You don't deserve that....
I couldn't bear the thought of stripping such an innocent soul of its goodness and pureness...and that result felt quite inevitable.
His words surprised me: You don't have to protect me. I know the risk involved. I can handle it.
I didn't believe him instantaneously... but, somewhere within me, I knew he was right. Not only did I not have to protect him, but I couldn't protect him. It wasn't my job. And, despite his experience or inexperience with relationships, he did know heartbreak...he did know rejection...he did know loss. Who was I to declare our different pasts to be a point of incompatibility? Who was I to decide that my pain and my tragedies were somehow worse than his, regardless of how and with whom they played out? Who was I to think that my sin and my brokenness were too unbearable for anyone else to tolerate?
Not too long ago I was talking to a girl who mentioned something similar: "I just feel like I've dated a lot and he really hasn't...and I just don't know if he can really handle all the stuff in my past." And, too often, I fear that we truly believe that and so we don't disclose important parts of our pasts as we enter into relationships. We think we'll tell them eventually. Or, we close ourselves off entirely from ever dating the person because we've convinced ourselves that we are too much for them in way or another.
Bad idea.
Wrong idea.
He can handle it. He probably wants to handle it... so maybe you should let him. Maybe it'll be a lot for him to soak in at first, maybe you'll need to give him time, and maybe it'll end up being too much. Regardless, he'll know. And he'll appreciate and value the honesty. And it's okay.
If there's anything I'm sure of, it's that honesty is vital in relationships. I'm not saying that you should go tell the guy that you've been on one date with every dark corner of your past... but I am saying that when he asks, you should tell him. I am saying that when you feel like you should tell him, you probably should. I am saying that it's not your job to keep certain things from him because it would be too hard for him to know those things....I think he's more than capable of deciding that for himself.
Full-disclosure when it's the right time. I'm a fan.
Don't avoid something good because you're scared he can't handle you and all your junk. Let him decide, okay?
You don't have to protect him.
Your entries will remain anonymous
No comments:
Post a Comment