It’s been almost 40 days and I’m not pregnant. I don’t
think.
Sometimes I pat myself on the back for the accomplishment,
but then I wonder if it’s really an accomplishment at all.
Realistically, it could probably happen at any moment. Not
because we aren’t being proactive and preventative and all that jazz… but
because we aren’t being as preventative as we could be. I’ll let you figure out what that means.
As we talk about our future, our “plan” is to wait at least
two years. This is for all of you who are already wondering when we’ll start
“trying”. I mean, I’m old and my child-rearing years are upon me and now that
I’m married we oughta start pushing them out… right?
Realistically though?
I wouldn’t be all that sad if it happened sooner. In fact, there’s
a small part of me that hopes
pregnancy is right around the corner.
Not because I’m itching to have children. Not because my maternal clock
is ticking. Not because I’m excited about any part of actually delivering a
baby . And no, I’m not planning an unplanned pregnancy behind my husband’s
back.
I get excited about a baby because I’ve been pretty
awestruck and humbled by how miraculous they are. I get excited about the
Lord’s timing in all of it and Him deciding when and/or if. I get excited about
me being pregnant because I know it isn’t something that’s promised to me. It’s
this gift. And I want to cherish it… even if it’s unexpected and unplanned to us.
And so no, we aren’t “trying” and no, we are “not not
trying”… but, that doesn’t mean it won’t or can’t happen (I’m quite all right
having to post next week with a pregnancy announcement, if it happens). But it
doesn’t mean that it will happen the moment we start trying, either. We’re okay
with that.
I fully believe that children are in our future, whether
they are biological or not. I do believe (and sincerely hope) that part of our
story will reflect God’s heart for us as we long to love His children as our
own. It’s perhaps an even more beautiful picture of the Gospel to me than any
other imagery: adoption.
We’ve been married 40 days and we’re praying about adoption.
Praying that our hearts would be opened to the Lord’s leading as we consider
the possibilities of everything this might entail. Praying about when. Praying
about where. Praying about how. Praying.
Praying about children.
Beautifully annoying children.
Children who Jesus asked us to care for.
Children that Jesus insisted upon letting come to Him.
Children who need people to be their mothers and fathers,
their brothers and sisters, their aunts and their uncles.
Children who are much like us; in need of love, in need of a
Savior.
For me, I can’t read the Gospel and not be open to adoption.
I may never have biological children… but I’m walking in
faith that someday I will have my own
children.
I can’t wait until He reveals who they are to us and the day
when finally get to meet them. Because children are a miracle. Biological or
not.
It’s been 40 days and I’m not pregnant. I don’t think.
And I’m thankful that the Lord’s plans always continue to be
better than our own. Whatever that may mean.
Your entries will remain anonymous
The tension place of "trying but not trying" is one where we get to learn about God's sovereignty in a totally new way. We were "trying but not trying" for nine months and it brought up so many questions I never thought I would ask. Will I ever be pregnant? Is it physically possible? Did I ruin my body by taking birth control? The questions were always coming. We learn that He is the one who decides when life starts and we are merely partners with him, in the smallest and most humble way. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteOur best friends recently internationally adopted an older boy (their first kid). He is awesome. Obviously it hasn't been easy and fun the whole time, but seeing their family come together has been so cool! We have always wanted to adopt and we've talked about it a lot, but now, seeing their family come together we can't image not adopting at some point. Since he is an older child he remembers not having a family and it's neat to see him learning what it means to have a family and look out for each other. A couple of months ago a girl he knew was also being adopted by a family in Texas and they were going to the air port to welcome her and his mom told him that maybe he could tell her some good things about being in America and some fun stuff so she will feel welcomed and not homesick. He responded by telling his mom that family is the best thing you can have. She won't need to be comforted because she has a family now. So precious!
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful!
ReplyDelete