People make a lot of assumptions about engaged people. It's been interesting finally experiencing it firsthand instead looking at it from an outside perspective.
I used to think people were kind of ridiculous in their public declarations of love for each other.
I used to try to tune them out.
Mostly I was just annoyed, jealous, and I trying really hard to not focus on their happiness in this area of life where I was most certainly lacking.
Because, if we're really being honest…I wanted what they had. Or, at least what I perceived that they had. I wanted to love. I wanted to be in love. I wanted to love someone no matter what and wanted to go through whatever it would take to love them in that unconditional sort of way. I wanted a love that was reflective of the Gospel. One of my mentors used to always point out this passion of mine, of this love that I longed to give and how deep that it ran. I'm not sure I ever believed her until now (mostly because my dark heart was well aware of my evil thoughts toward others).
In past relationships, I used to hold back a lot. I never wanted to be too much. I never wanted to be over-the-top gushy mushy. I often feared that the things I truly felt and wanted to say were going to sound ridiculous, or cheesy, or be met with a rolling of eyes or a flatly recited: "I miss you, too…". And so I refrained. I didn't let myself say most of the things I wanted to say out of fear…out of insecurity....out of a desire to hold onto what I had.
If you were to ask me the best part about being engaged, though…?
The best part of being engaged is that I don't have to hold back anymore.
All this love that's been pent up inside of me for so long? All the love that's been longing to get out? It never fell upon the right person before. But now?…now, there's someone who wants it. All of it. He doesn't want me to hold back, he doesn't want me to refrain. He wants it... real, raw, crazy, imperfect, emotional love. Now I've found someone who welcomes in my irrational, all-over-the-place thoughts. Someone who loves my ridiculousness and is humbled by my desire to walk with him through life, no matter where it takes us.
We can dream about our future together and I don't have to wonder if I've freaked him out. I can send him multiple emails a day and know that he wants to receive them. I can tell him I love him a hundred times in one conversation and not have to worry about if it's too much. He gets to take all of the love I've ever wanted to give, and he loves it. I'm never too much with him. It's a crazy, wonderful reality.
I recognize that in my past, while I held back, a lot of me wanted to make love happen on my own. I often thought that, maybe, if I just tell him this one thing that I'm thinking/feeling, it'll ignite something within him. Maybe I just needed to be honest with him about where I was at and then he'd be able to unleash, too….
Only, it never worked like that. Oftentimes, things would backfire. Oftentimes I would be too much….or not enough. Things were always just off. No matter how hard I tried.
I guess what I want you to hear is that there's a lot to look forward to. There's a lot that I didn't think about happening when I got engaged, but I'm thankful for the freedom that I've found. There's something really beautiful to getting to just be and knowing that it's okay (no matter how emotional and ridiculous you might feel in the moment). The unleashing of who you are in the safety of a truly committed relationship is incredible.
I don't have to hold back anymore.
There used to be days when my heart ached to really just love someone. Oftentimes I didn't even have a person in mind, but I knew that my heart just longed for that type of love. They were the times when I was probably the most confused with the Lord...when I couldn't figure out how and why this desire was so strong if it was never going to be fulfilled. The times when I begged for him to take it from me.
But He was faithful.
And now I get to love. I get to pour out my love on man who receives it and offers it back with just as much passion. A man whom I hold in high respect and am impressed by every day.
You may be rolling your eyes, annoyed by my posts about my engagement, wishing that you had what I have... and, I get it. But, I hope you don't settle. I hope you don't try so hard to make something happen, that you don't throw your love upon just anyone when it's not the right one or the right time.
There will be someone someday for you.
Someone that you can be fully yourself with. Someone that allows you to say as much as you want, whenever you want... no matter how mushy and gushy it might be, no matter how many times you've said it before.
Being engaged is incredible.
And I'm quite sure that as we move forward and see what all life throws our way, that it'll continue to get better and better.
Because it's a love that reflects the Gospel in a way that no other love can. A love between a bride and a groom. A love that I'm honored and humbled to get to partake in. A love that I could have never made happen on my own. A love that I did nothing to deserve. A love that is only possible because of Jesus.
Do not arouse or awake love until it so desires...
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