I didn't really recognize why initially, but I'm starting to figure it out. I'm prideful. I'm still so prideful. It's this mixture of wanting approval, thinking I'm right, thinking other people are wrong, wanting to justify and defend myself when they thing I'm wrong, believing I'm capable and believing others are incapable.
It's stupid.
And gross.
And destructive.
I've had a few situations lately where I'm interacting with someone and they think they are so right in their opinion. While I don't even necessarily disagree with them, I'm so frustrated that they are approaching something with such an unwillingness to see another perspective... and I find myself retaliating. Fighting against something, defending something... and I don't even know why. Other than proving someone else wrong, or proving myself (and whatever stance I don't necessarily have) right.
It's mostly because I don't always have strong stances on things that other people do. Mostly because I recognize that there always seem to be exceptions to the rules. There always seem to be reasons to act in one way when, most of the time, we might say not to. And so often those reasons seem to come into play when it directly involves us....when it benefits us.
Mostly I just hate double standards....fully aware that I have my own (can we appreciate the irony of this statement?). And I hate pride. Within myself and within others. Because it destroys. It makes us become people who feel the need to always be right... who feel like we're the only ones every doing anything right... and when our pride is wounded, we are quickly defensive, hurt and are often likely to push back (or throw our own little pity party of self-sabotage).
I don't like it.
I don't like who I become when pride seems to be taking control of my life. I'm quickly defensive, quickly unapologetic, quickly justifying all my actions. And when pride my pride is poked at, I can immediately go into self-preservation mode. If someone hints that I'm wrong, that I've done things incorrectly...I desperately long to show them my reasoning behind my actions, my decisions, my thought-process. I can't have them thinking ill of me, right? I want them to think I'm right, that I'm doing good things, that I'm moving in the right direction...It's all rooted in pride.
You know how you can be trucking along, thinking things are good and that you're doing all right? That you've got things under control and that you've got it all figured out? And then you start recognizing these places/things in you that aren't good...and you're reminded, yet again, of the darkness that dwells within? You're reminded that you're still a sinner... that you still can't do it, no matter how good things are. And as much as pride consumes you at times, you fall on your face recognizing that you can't ever possibly save yourself. You can't ever possibly do enough right, enough good. You can't ever win enough arguments or convince enough people that you're right. You can't. And even if you could, it wouldn't matter.
But with the Lord, all things are possible.
That even in the midst of our darkness, He is willing to do the impossible for us. He's already done it.
I don't think I'll ever escape the darkness of my pride here on this earth. It will unleash itself in various forms throughout my life and I'll go through the cycle of hating how it controls me at times. But there's always the reminder. The reminder that I have been saved not because I can do anything right or good or wonderful... but because Jesus came and He died and He rose... because He loved me even when I'm a prideful, wounded mess.
There's nothing that can kill our pride more quickly than being reminded of that truth.
So when the pride consumes, takes root, makes us people we don't like looking at... I pray that we would be struck by the truth of the Gospel, that we would fall to our knees in humility....that we would be completely reminded that we can't do this...but God can... He has.
How truly thankful I am.
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