Someone actually said this. I imagine that lots of people are saying things similar to this, actually. It was a quote I heard in a presentation this past semester and it stuck out to me...because I fear, too often, this is the mentality that we adopt as Christians. This mentality that the opposite sex only serves to distract us (unless they are our spouse) and therefore we need to keep our distance.
My freshman year of college I was tempted with this as the solution to my boy-crazy tendencies. I knew that I was someone who was more likely to spend my time figuring out how to masterfully manipulate all the cute boys into being my closest friends which would inevitably lead us into a deep and meaningful dating relationship (this never worked for me, by the way). Knowing I was prone to spend more energy on guys than I was anything else (especially the Lord), I felt like it might be better to ban them from my life.
I actually had a friend who had successfully accomplished the feat and I watched in admiration as she followed through with her goals. She had set up boundaries to not talk to guys at all and anytime she thought about guys, she was to immediately pray and 'take those thoughts captive'. The self-discipline was inspiring... and it was just what this holding-two-guys'-hands-at-the-same-time-girl needed.
But, I wanted to be realistic about it. Not talking to guys for a certain amount of time? It was laughable. Especially her two month goal. I'd start off with the praying and 'taking thoughts captive' thing and see how that went, first. It went. Sort of.
I tell you the story to show that I get it. I do. I get the motivation behind why we often do the things we do...why we often try to completely separate ourselves from the opposite gender...but I don't always think it's the correct response. I don't always think it's the solution. I think, oftentimes, it's us trying to control the situation, trying to protect ourselves, our attempt to co-exist with fear.
But, is it good?
Is it true?
Is it right?
Is it necessary?
When I look at what the body of Christ is in Scripture, I don't see the gender barrier that we so readily create. Sure, flee from prostitutes and temptresses...but to not talk to a fellow sister in Christ because you're not married to her?
I know that male-female friendships are risky and complicated and weird at times. But, I can't help but think that too often we establish rules and boundaries for ourselves because it seems easier than existing in a world where bad things could happen. It seems safer for the married man to never talk to another woman, just in case they have some sort of chemistry and are unable to control themselves. It seems safer for the two singles to avoid each other because if they form some sort of friendship, one of them may like the other and it may never be mutual and then one gets hurt.
Why even bother talking to the opposite gender when there's so much room for pain and destruction to occur? Hurry! Guard yourself! Stay away! There is room only for your spouse!! Possible distractions=bad form.
Bogus.
What kind of community does that create? What kind of church? What kind of neighborhood? What kind of family?
We need to be people who are wise in our decisions and in our interactions with the opposite gender, but we also need to be people who can recognize the value that can be had with them. To be open to the Lord using men and women alike to speak truth, encouragement, love into our lives. I'm not even saying they need to be deep, intimate friends... but I am saying that we need to exist in community with all believers (not just same-gendered ones).
And, we need to be men and women who allow our significant others to have interactions with the opposite gender (especially in group settings)... instead of being controlling, jealous, threatened and fearful that one interaction is going to lead to an affair.
It feels risky saying that, honestly.
I get that Scripture tells us that in order to resist temptation that we must flee from it. I guess I just think it's unfair to think that all interactions with the opposite gender is filled to the brim with temptation (unless you know that for you it is).
I think it is possible to maintain friendships, to have interactions, to truly love others in a way that isn't determined by gender. And I want us to get there. To exist in community with each other in ways where we can be vulnerable, authentic, encouraging and filled with the Lord moving powerfully.
Because I don't see the segregation as part of how it was intended to be.
I need men in my life to share their opinions, to speak truth, to challenge me, to encourage me, to protect me... in ways that no woman ever could. I need older, wiser married men to give me advice. I need single men to go on adventures with. I need engaged men to help me write blogs.
The design is bigger than our fears of what could be. Male and female, we are created in God's image. All the things that make men different from me are all the reasons I need to interact with them, I need to get their opinions on things, I need to have them in my life. Together (not solely in marriage) we make up the image of God.
I want to be open to that.
I want to exist in a place where I view people as people, and not by their gender and how I 'should' interact with them. It's a hard shift for me, honestly... but, I think it's better. I think it's more true to how community should be.
But, recognizing that we're still all broken and live in a fallen world, I think we need to be wise and conscientious of our interactions with the opposite gender. I don't think we need to live in fear of how those interactions will inevitably be distractions from the Lord. Instead, may we believe, regardless of gender, that as we interact with one another that we would be people who continually push each other on toward Jesus.
All the believers were one in heart and mind...
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Debbie, super thoughts. I think this is a really balanced perspective and I think a lot of the same things. I was re-reading part of Keller's "Meaning of Marriage" the other day and he said something to the effect that the verse "it is not good for man to be alone" should be fulfilled for single people in cross-gender relationships/friendships in the church.
ReplyDeleteI don't remember exactly what he said but I thought the gist of the idea was very interesting.
Debbie, I think your thoughts here are awesome and well articulated. I feel as though if we deny or avoid the possibility of opposite sex relationships between men and women, then we'll find ourselves living in a place of fear and not love. By pushing aside the possibility of male and female friendships we are also widening the gap between men and women and creating distrust between the sexes.
ReplyDeletePart of growing spiritually, physically, and emotionally in a healthy manner means building healthy internal boundaries within our selves...we also need to allow ourselves the opportunity to freely listen to the Holy Spirit more than those that might say, "Avoid the opposite sex at all costs because their trouble!"
I honestly believe the same characteristics that build healthy same-gender friendships also apply for opposite-gender friendships.
Great post!