He Loves Me?

I dated a guy once who told me, after a month of dating, that he loved me.

What? 

As much as I longed to hear those words and believe them, I hated him for saying it. I hated him because I knew he couldn't possibly mean it...not yet, anyway. I was angry that he would mess with my heart, and so I did what I do best: I stayed distant. I insisted that he couldn't love me and I found a thousand reasons why I couldn't love him. A month later he was releasing me of our relationship, and I was relishing the freedom that came with singleness. 

In reality, I was terrified. I was scared to believe that his words might be true and have my heart be shattered. I never once allowed myself to believe it was actually possible. I never once gave him a chance to prove that it might be. 

I should probably mention that a little over 2 years later we started dating again... and we still are. But, guess what? It's been over a year and a half and he hasn't told me he loves me this time around. I don't blame him. 

It's this dumb thing where we cruise around in life declaring that if this one thing just happened, we would feel more confident, more worthy, more secure, more loved, more wanted.......and then that thing happens, and we reject it. For whatever reason, it wasn't good enough. It didn't happen in the way we had wanted it to, the way we had always pictured it might. There was something just off about it that convinces us that it's not for us, that it's not good, that we should flee. 

My oldest brother had told me once that when a guy tells you he loves you, he should back it up with a ring. It made sense to me... and so for many years, that became my expectation. I would never believe that a guy loved me until he was willing to follow through with it to marriage. It still makes sense to me, but the way it became such a requirement wasn't good. The way it proved to sabotage a relationship wasn't good. I had created this ridiculous stipulation for how love was supposed to be presented and I never allowed for there to be any alternative. 

Instead, I was a crazy girl. Gosh, I'm still a crazy girl... but I hope I'm learning and growing as I see things through various perspectives. 

I hope you are, too. 

I hope you're willing to see the areas in your life that you run from or avoid or intentionally sabotage because you're driven by a fear of being hurt. I hope you're willing to see the specific ways you flee from ever believing people care about you, and stop. 

People can love you... even if it's only been a month. 

Because, as much as romantic love gets tied up in emotions and attractions...there's still room to make the choice. There's still room for him to choose to love you. 

Here's the guarantee: you will get hurt. Even if you end up together forever, there will be times in your relationship when he hurts you and you hurt him. It's the nature of being sinful humans. But I think it's worth the risk... every time. 

Instead of telling someone that they can't possibly love you, I encourage you to embrace it... to believe it... to relish it. Stop fighting, stop running, stop resisting. 

Let love happen. 

I realize I have so much to learn in this department as well.... but I can now recognize the need to really believing that another might choose to love us, despite our imperfections. 

May we all be able to receive one of the most beautiful gifts of all. 'Cause when we are able to receive it from other humans... how much more likely might we be able to truly receive from a perfect and holy God? 

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Does Jesus Hate You?

'I was a virgin because I love Jesus and now Jesus hates me.'

April, from Grey's Anatomy, says this to Jackson the morning after their intimate night together. It's one of those lines that makes me cringe.... and it's one of those lines that gets broadcasted all over the world.

Is this how Jesus is viewed?

Unfortunately, I think it is a lot of times. Not only by the world, but by Christians. And I think this statement is evidence of our lack of understanding who Jesus really is.

Honestly, I've probably felt like this a bit myself in times when I've knowingly sinned. That my sin causes Jesus to hate me. The guilt is too overwhelming. There's no way I can ever be forgiven of this (whatever 'this' is at the time). It's especially worse when I've chosen to sin, knowing it was sin. I can't get by with a, 'Oh, I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to' type of confession. Instead, I must throw myself at His feet... acknowledging my unworthiness, acknowledging how undeserving I am of grace and forgiveness.

But to honestly think that He hates me?
It seems absurd and contrary to everything I read about Christ in Scripture.

Remember the woman at the well?
Or the woman caught in adultery?
Or the prostitute that washes His feet?
Or the disciples that had given their lives to follow Him and then betrayed Him in an instant?

Where is the hate, then?

How do we go from reading this about Jesus to believing something false about who He is? Where does the disconnect happen?

It makes me wonder how interested we are in even wanting to know who Jesus is, or if we're more caught up and consumed by who we are, what we do, our guilt, our freedom, ourselves. It's almost as if we take our own feelings of guilt and despair and because we don't know what to do with those emotions, it's easier to make false statements like, 'Jesus hates me'.

'Cause sometimes it's easier to think that Jesus hates us when we do something wrong than to think that He still loves us even when we do something wrong.

Think about it.
We have this mentality that demands justice be done.
When we do something wrong to someone else, it sometimes seems easier if we pay the price for what we've done wrong to them. If they let us off the hook, there's this feeling of debt that we have toward them.

Do we feel like that about Christ?
That there's this debt that's been paid that we're constantly trying to pay back.... but we never can... because we're never good enough?

Does God hate sin? Yes. He has to... He's too holy to even have it exist in His presence. But does He ever hate us?
It's completely contrary to the Gospel.

Soon I'll probably talk about this whole cliche of 'loving the sinner, but hating the sin' that we spout of quite regularly. But, for now... I'll agree that it's true of Christ. That while we may not be able to separate the two in our human little minds, I believe Jesus is fully capable of loving us despite our sin. He is able to see us and know us beyond anything that we do or think or say.... and love us.

That's the Jesus I'm interested in knowing. The one that contradicts everything I think I know about how we are naturally wired... the one who came so that we might live.

Who is the Jesus that you know?
One that hates you because you messed up? 'Cause that Jesus doesn't exist...

Seek to know Him today for who He is. The one full of mystery, power, healing... and love.

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