Upside Down

A few months ago, I had some hopes and dreams about what life "ought" to look like.

They involved slowing down.
Effectively, it had everything to do with actually turning life upside down.

Oh, the irony.

A dear friend had presented on Sabbath and it reminded me of this deeper longing within. A longing to be a person of God, first and foremost. Not a wife, a mother, an employee, a person people go to for solutions, etc. etc. etc. I can still be all of those things, but ideally, the first informs all the others. That being one of God's people means that I know Him, love Him, spend time with Him, am changed by Him...and that drastically impacts the way that I then relate to my husband, my child, my co-workers, my community, the strangers I encounter...

I remember thinking, How do I even do that? 
How do I make my life so about Jesus, first, and fill in the rest of my life around that? How do daily and weekly habits, routines, and rhythms change to become centered on Him? How do I slow down, how do I stop doing all the things that I'm doing, how do I decide what is good and what needs to cease?

As a result, Kel and I decided to adopt some new habits. Ones, we hoped, that would center us back on Jesus each day. We were committed to slowly working them into our life, convinced that if we added them in at turtle-pace, we might be successful at developing new, lifelong habits. We invited others to journey with us, basing our "new habit" adventure on the book The Common Rule, by Justin Whitmel Early.

We had just begun when coronavirus hit.
Slowing down became a new way of life for us. Work from home. Eat at home. Video calls by day and by night.

And then we lost our jobs.
Staring into the face of our first week without 40+ hours of work brought up a lot of thoughts and emotions: anxiety, worry, fear, sorrow...questions about how we would fill the time, if our life would lack purpose.

And then I remembered...
Just a few months ago I had wanted to somehow, miraculously, turn life upside down.
And here I was, with my life turned upside down.
Living in a bit of a nightmare, but also living in one of my dreams.

Here before us was a chance to be.
For the first time, and maybe the last time.

What a gift.
We are literally "stuck" in New Mexico as we figure things out with Baby K- for weeks, if not months.
We are literally "stuck" in our home, as the pandemic rages on - for weeks, if not months.

I have hours each day to choose how I will spend my time.

I wish I could say that this week has been filled with pure joy and adoration of the Father. I wish I could say that every waking moment was marked by prayer, gratitude, and a seeking to know Jesus, even in the uncertainty.

There's been some of that, for sure. Some of it has come about through grief, as I work through the pain and loss only to be reminded of God's generosity and kindness. Some of it has come about through confession, as I am ever-aware of my sinful state that demands to know, that seeks to be right, that pridefully believes I am "better than" while simultaneously believing I am nothing. In these moments, I humbly encounter the Savior who washes His betrayers' feet...the Savior who restores, redeems, and places faith again in those who deny Him. In these moments, I beg that the Spirit would be strong when my flesh is so weak.

In this upside down world, we have new habits.
Kneeling prayer - morning, midday, and evening.
Lunchtime walks.
Times of solitude. Time that I've resumed journaling.
Time to talk...time to dream...time to think about what could be and where the Lord might lead us next.
Time for projects, for clean-up, for packing.
Time for egg-collecting, plant-watching, and baby giggles.
Time for making more new habits - ones we pray will stick with us in this lifetime. Ones that we pray will center us as people of God, first and foremost, so that everything else is rooted in that.

Before us, each day, we have hours. Hours of opportunity. Hours I do not want to waste.

In this upside down world, life looks different.
And, as we move and find new careers and a new community... I hope and pray that our new "normal" looks a bit more like our current upside down world (coronavirus-free, of course). Slower. Rhythmic. Centered. Purposed and overflowing.

We have an opportunity press pause. To start over. To establish a new way of life. To create a new normal.

To be instead of being consumed by what I do. Because, I (sooooo easily) get consumed by doing and finding worth, value, and purpose in that alone.

What a sweet, hard opportunity before us.
It is one that we are painfully thankful for.

A few things we would covet prayers for, if you think of it:

• Figuring things out with Baby K and (hopefully!) the adoption process. 
• Jobs: Kel and I are both excited about what COULD be with our next careers, but pray that we would seek, listen, and be willing to go where the Lord leads. We have loved being a part of camp ministry and would love to love our next jobs, as well. 
• That we would be able to mourn, but also rejoice - even in a hard, sad season. 
• That we would invest in our community while we are still here and wouldn't withhold or draw back (we have continued to be blown away by the love they have shown us during all of this). 

Thanks, friends.
We are forever grateful for friends/family near and far who rally around us through all the seasons - good and bad.

(Also - if you want to join in on the new habits, let me know!)

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