Not because I'm not excited about what's next for me, but I'm just tired of good-byes. I'm tired of having to have 'lasts' all the time. I'm tired of feeling like I have to cram everything and everyone into a 'final week' in order to feel like I made the most of my time, in order to feel like there was sufficient closure.
But mostly I'm sad because there are still thoughts of what my life could be like if I had chosen to stay and now I'll never really know. I wonder about the possibilities and the opportunities and the knowledge I'd get from the classes that I'd take and the books that I'd be required to read. I wonder who I'd become true friends with, I wonder if I would have gotten the scholarship that I applied for, I wonder what college students I would have gotten to work with for my job.
It's what happens when you make choices, though.
And it's okay.
Because I know with the move comes all sorts of new opportunities and adventures that I am excited about.
It's just hard to say goodbye.
It's hard to leave good places.
It's hard to leave good friends.
It's hard to leave family.
It's hard to pack up and move again when you feel like you just got settled in.
I have a little over a week left, and I'm still trying to figure out the best use of my time. A large part of me is trying to pretend like this isn't the last week and these aren't the last times I'll be seeing many of these people. Just another week in my life... It seems easier that way.
Change is on the horizon again.
Big changes.
Life changes.
Changes that I step into meekly, holding my breath as I await the blow of how they'll rock my reality.
But it's okay.
New things... new life... new unknowns... new people... new places... new home... new job...
It's okay.
It's something to look forward to.
And so even as I leave something good, there doesn't need to be regret.
I would never change this past year of my life.
It was exactly what it needed to be.
As sad as it is to leave?
It's time.
I'm ready for what awaits...even when I don't really feel ready at all (but, isn't that how it always goes?)
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