The comment:
So many teens, including many Christian kids I know, think oral set is NOT sex. They say it isn't penetration so it is ok to do. What is your opinion? How do I respond to them when they tell me they are having oral sex with their bf/gf?Remember that time when I welcomed in questions and comments about sexuality and then I got a question like this and wanted to avoid it because of how heavy and detrimental it can be? Yep. That's how I feel right now.
Because... this is a big question. A big question because it's the question a lot of teenagers and Christians in dating relationships are asking. It's the question that's essentially asking, 'How far can I go without committing the sin of pre-marital sex, without losing my virginity, without maiming my purity?'
But, I think it's the wrong question.
The last thing I want to do is set up another restriction for Christians without first understanding why this is important. It's easy for me to say that I think oral sex is sex (of some fashion, although it's clearly not genital intercourse... but is that solely what Scripture is even referring to?)... but if that's just fuel to prove that something is sin, I think we miss the point.
The point is that when we enter into physically intimate relationships with people who are not our spouses, something is lost. Something beautiful, something mysterious, something deeply intimate. That when you're participating in an act that brings the other to full arousal, when you're in such a place of vulnerability of completely exposing parts of your body to another... something happens. There's a connection that's made. And the more we do these things with various people, the more we miss out on the way it was intended to be, the way it was designed. The more it just becomes another thing to do (sometimes complete with STDs and other emotional garbage)...but it has lost the true connectivity.
We get more interested in what we can get away with over what it means to hold tight to integrity, holiness and purity. We are more interested in getting whatever we can out of each moment instead of recognizing the long term ramifications it can have (on ourselves, our current make-out partner, our future spouses, their future spouses). We begin to see our current relationship as a means to our temporary sexual fulfillment, instead of honoring them in each moment. What if your relationship right now doesn't work out? What if you break up?
I'll be the first to admit that I want to have sex. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a sexual being, with sexual desires who struggles with sexual temptation.
But all of this stuff that we play around with, that we focus on, that we try to get away with? It doesn't seem worth it. It's not fulfilling. It's a life of perpetual regret. A life of giving in, feeing frustrated, being consumed by sex (or a lack of sex). Sex is not the end goal...it's not our final destination. And, it seems the more that we buy into this sexual identity, the more we are consumed by it. The more we mess around with our boyfriends/girlfriends, the more we're thinking about it, the more we want to push the bounds because it's all we can think about.
I talked to another single friend of mine the other day about our singleness. She feels, most assuredly, that God will bless her with a husband someday and challenged me in thinking that if that's the promise, what does it look like to work backward from that. Meaning, that if she knows that she is going to marry, how can she live now, as a single, honoring that fact...honoring her husband-to-be. How can she make decisions now that can impact her future in positive ways and not negative ones? How can she date well with that in mind? How can she not give of herself too freely, but not hold back as she's still dealing with the unknowns?
Because as much as we can argue about oral sex being sex or not... as much we can give teenagers another thing to add to their list of 'don'ts' (which there are also just practical purposes for avoiding it outside of marriage...)... I think we need to somehow get further into the mindset of it.
Why do they feel like they need to have oral sex with their boyfriend or girlfriend? What do they gain? What do they lose? In five years... was the temporary enjoyment worth it? On the off chance that they do marry this person, does it harm their relationship if they maintain boundaries that didn't involve ejaculation, orgasms and touching genitals and doing things they wouldn't want their parents in the room for? Does it benefit the relationship if they refrain? What's most glorifying to the Lord? What's most edifying to the other person? Does these things matter to them? Why or why not?
So this is where I say.. let's have conversations about it. Before just trying to convince kids that oral sex is bad and they shouldn't do it... let's figure out what else is going on. Let's figure out ways to show them that a life of purity (a road that's very much less traveled in this day) is worth it. That it's worth maintaining.
But in the end, let's open up conversations about what it really means to follow Christ. That maybe the goal isn't to keep youth from refraining from 'sexual immorality', but maybe the goal is to give them a fuller glimpse of who Jesus is, to show them the path that's rough and hard and full of self-discipline and not giving into our fleshly desires... because it leads to something better. Something more whole. Something that we're all really searching and longing for.
Because what they're wanting (shoot, even what I'm wanting)... it isn't found in sex, or even intimacy with another person here on earth. It won't be fulfilled through that, or drugs, or food, or in having the best body, or being popular, or always having a boyfriend, or getting your dream job, or getting into the best college in the world...
I think when we can show them a fuller picture of the Gospel, of who Jesus is, of what it means to follow Him (and when we're willing to go there ourselves)... that we might be a people who stop asking questions about what we can get away with, and getting trapped in the legalism of the law. We might then be a people who are living for something abundantly more than the pleasures of this world because we recognize that it doesn't satisfy.. not ultimately, anyway.
Easier in theory, yes. I get that.
But I just don't think the solution is grinding into people's heads a bunch of rights and wrongs...and having them refrain from things strictly because someone told them not to. There's a bigger reason to abstain, and I want us to to be willing to go there... and I want us to be willing to live that way and model it well (even if not perfectly).
So.. how do you respond?
Dive in deeper. Just because you tell them it's wrong, it doesn't mean that they're going to stop (despite all the facts about how bad it can be for your body--we always think we're the exception...). So start asking questions, get to the heart of the issue... and don't lose hope even if they don't stop. Trust that the Holy Spirit is going to do His thing and that we believe in a God of redemption and second chances.
Continue to be someone that they trust, that they confide in, that's willing to dialogue with them about hard issues in life and not just the person who makes them feel guilty and condemned every time you converse. Love them well, make your stance clear... but don't stop the conversation there.
So.. there you have it. I suppose that's my opinion on it.
Oh, and if you're reading this and you're having questions about this very issue? I'd challenge you to ask yourself some hard questions, or to be willing to have open dialogues with others you trust about this very issue. Stop asking, 'Is this really that bad?' and start asking the harder, deeper questions.
I think there's more for all of us when we stray from the checklist of rights and wrongs and begin pressing more fully into the design that God created for us (even when it means feeling like we're sacrificing things and denying ourselves in the moment).
Freedom.
The Better.
I want that. For all of us.
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