Mr. Right

I found 'Mr. Right' a several years ago. He was handsome, athletic, musically talented, tender, passionate about the Lord and eager to surrender his life to Him.  He was a hard-worker, servant-hearted, willing to place others above himself constantly.  He was too good to be true.

We didn't live in the same place, but he would find ways to initiate communication with me.  He initiated. Turns out he liked me. Turns out I liked him, too.  Turns out he wasn't ready for a relationship yet.  We went from daily communication to limited communication--and I got it.  I understood the point, I understood that by decreasing the time spent conversing with each other that it would serve to protect our hearts from becoming too engaged with one another when there was no promise that we we would ever be together.

I wanted it though.  I wanted him.  He was it for me.
There were days where I hurt so much because I wanted to talk to him--I wanted to tell him how I felt, I wanted to tell him about my daily struggles and the funny things that had happened.  I couldn't. So I found a solution.

I began writing him.  I began a document on my computer and I would type out all the things I wanted to say to him.  I typed out all the things I felt, all the emotions, all the events, all the words... and I saved them. It became an electronic journal of things I would never tell him.  Or... that's what I had said.  In my head I knew I could never give him this assortment of thoughts unless we were engaged or married.

Things eventually ended many months later as I realized how much our limited communication was still weighing on my heart and how much I was waiting for something that wasn't going to happen.  Over the years we kept in touch (sometimes more often than others) and I'd go in and out of realizing how much I still cared for him.  In those moments I'd pull up that old document and write him again-- all the things I could never tell him.

Eventually he dated someone.  Eventually they broke up.  The devastation hit him and at that point in life we were friends--friends without any other motive.  Some crazy part of me connected his despair with emotions I had also felt in his and I's past interactions and I thought he might benefit from reading my raw writings.

I wish I could say that I fully considered how those words would affect anyone if they had read them... but I had not. I sent them away without an ulterior motive (for maybe the first time in my life)... which set us on a road of devastation.  Upon reading my words, he was deeply moved.... as anyone might be when they hear all these private thoughts directed toward them from someone they once were romantically interested in.

He began pursuing me- in a way that I had always hoped for.  He spoke the words that my heart had craved to hear.  He wanted me...he wanted to fight for me...he thought I was worth it.

I remember that I felt like a little girl who had just been given the thing she's been asking for so fervently. The little girl who looks at the gift and is too scared to take it because she's scared it's not really for her...the little girl who is too scared to take it because she's scared she'll ruin it somehow.

I didn't want to be that little girl... I didn't want to walk in fear... and so I hesitantly jumped in.
Just a few days later my heart was shattered again. For various reasons, things weren't going work out with this guy. I had taken the gift and, as it turns out, it wasn't really for me after all.

I remember sobbing on my roommate's bed, the pain unbearable....angry at myself for being such a fool. I remember questioning the Lord's goodness.  He had said He wouldn't give me a snake if I asked for a fish, right?  It sure felt like a snake.

I think we question the Lord's goodness a lot when it comes to matters of the heart.  We question Him when He doesn't give us the things that we think we want. Since then, I've come to realize that the Lord, in fact, is sovereign and good...and He knows my heart, my needs, my wants more than I do. There's good that peers in through the bad and I'm left thankful that my heart was broken, thankful that I didn't end up with him, thankful that I didn't get what I wanted.

Through the pain, I've managed to see that he wasn't 'Mr. Right' because he wasn't right at all for me. I had built him up into something that he wasn't, I had placed an identity upon this guy that wasn't even him.  I had created him to be who I wanted him to be in my head.  Perhaps you're guilty of having done this, too.

I want to urge you to trust the Lord.  Even in the pain, the heartache, the confusion, the unknown. We may think we know what we want and need...but, a lot of the time I just think we're wrong.  Admitting that is sometimes the hardest thing.

It's okay if it doesn't work out with this one... no matter how much you want it to. Really... it's okay.
There's healing and there's growth and there's second chances.
Of that I am sure.  Join me there.

* * *

Submit Your Stories/Questions/Struggles Here

Your entries will remain anonymous

i don't deserve this.

To deserve:  to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation.


I've been thinking a bit lately about things we deserve.  Or... just the idea that we think we deserve anything at all.  We find ourselves in situations where we are convinced we have deserved something and when we don't get it, we feel slighted, we feel gypped, we feel betrayed.  On the flip side, when something bad happens to us we immediately wonder what we did to deserve such a travesty. 


Do I deserve happiness? 


That's what everything around us tells us, right?  That we deserve to be happy, we deserve relationships that are fulfilling to us, we deserve to be treated well.  We don't deserve bad things, we don't deserve to be hurt, we don't deserve suffering.  

Do we deserve or not deserve these things based purely on the fact that we are human beings?  Do we deserve them because we have earned them?  Have I done something in my years of living to get me to a place where I now deserve better than I would if I hadn't done particular things? Does someone else deserve less because of what they have or haven't done?  

The idea of deserving seems to be wrapped up in selfishness.  This idea that I deserve more than what I have right now.  The very nature of deserving makes us feel as though we have a right to it, we have a claim to it... but do we?  

This typically plays out in a very worldly and practical matter, which causes us to often neglect the spiritual realm. 

The reality:  I deserve death... because I am a sinner. Every day, I choose to sin.  But because of Christ, every day I am saved from death, from eternal damnation.  

I wonder what life might look like if instead of living each day as though I deserve something better than what I have... if I lived life as though I've been saved from death, from sin, from despair, from hopelessness. What would it look like if we lived in the true grace of not getting what we deserve?  

Isn't that enough? 

...and yet we still prance around expecting more, claiming our 'right' for more, and being angry and hurt when we don't always get more.

Perhaps life isn't really about our happiness at all.  Perhaps our focus is off. Perhaps we don't deserve anything we've been given. Perhaps we need to remember what that is.
You tell me. 

* * *

Submit Your Stories/Questions/Struggles Here

Your entries will remain anonymous

when is enough enough?

"I want to be prettier"
"Prettier... ? How will you know when you're pretty enough?" 

A friend recently recommended a show put on by Hulu entitled The Booth at the End.  It's this mind-twisting show about people who want things and what lengths they'll go to in order to get them.  The above lines captured my attention as an already pretty girl is asking to be prettier.

It makes me wonder if we ever get to the point where we are truly satisfied.

How will you know when you're pretty enough?
...thin enough?
...smart enough?
...strong enough?
...rich enough?

How will you know when you believe enough?
How will you know when you love enough?
How will you know when you're good enough?

How will you know when enough is enough?

Or, is that the point?
That our entire lives are comprised of us always striving to be something better, something greater than what we currently are?
Can there be true satisfaction in the striving?  Or does it always come back to defeat?

I'm curious.
Have you ever come to the point with anything in life where you felt it was enough?  Truly felt like it was enough, not just given up because you felt like it couldn't ever be better?

Let's hear it.
Are you satisfied?

* * *

Submit Your Stories/Questions/Struggles Here

Your entries will remain anonymous

silence.

Sometimes the silence terrifies me.

Sometimes the silence beckons me.

In the silence, I think we often get asked the questions. 

Questions that are terrifying because we are scared of our answers. 

Questions that are beckoning because ultimately want to know the answers.  We need to know them.

Questions. 

I imagine if this post were composed entirely of questions (and I realize that I ask far more questions than I will ever answer)…I think we, as humans, would have a tendency to skim over them.  I think we don’t want to really think about this stuff… because it’s hard.  It requires self-examination….and the possibility that the results aren’t what we’d like for them to be are high. 

So we ignore.  We run.  We distract.  We skim. 

He is speaking to you…He is speaking to you about who you are, about who He has created you to be.  Will you listen?  Will you take the time to be still and to allow Him to penetrate your heart to the very core of your being? 

What are you scared of?  Will He ask you to change?  Will He ask you to move? To act in a way that requires selflessness, that requires stepping out of your comfort zone? 

There’s this radical transformation that is possible in each of us.  I'm holding back, too.  I think it’s because I'm scared.  I'm scared of what He will ask of me…I'm scared of what that will really mean for my life.  If I am to abandon all to Him, what will I have to give up? 

Several years ago, I went out for a run which eventually led me up one of the larger hills at camp.  For some reason I thought it would be a grand idea to try sprinting up this hill.  I made it about halfway, realized I was too much out of shape to keep attempting this battle, and I sat down on a large rock.  It wasn’t long before I felt the need to take the headphones out of my ears and listen. 

As I sat, I felt a breeze encompassing me.  I knew I wasn’t alone.  In the silence, I heard His voice.  He asked me two simple questions….which really weren’t so simple at all.

His first question to me was, “Am I enough?” 

My first reaction was, “Of course! Father, of course you are enough..” but as I sat there longer, I knew the search of the depths of my heart was already in affect.  I knew I was a liar.  I knew that deep within, while I could acknowledge with my mouth that all I needed was Jesus Christ, that I didn’t actually believe it. 

In humility and brokenness before the Lord, I shamefully admitted my real answer, “No, Lord…no.  I don’t believe you are enough.”

He asked His next question.  “Will you let me be enough?”

It was almost as if He were saying, “Dear child, will you let me be enough for you?  Will you stop searching and agonizing and giving yourself to the things in this world that will never fill you?  Will you trust that I AM? Will you trust that I have your best interest in mind?  Will you trust that I love you more deeply than anything you can possibly imagine?”

I couldn’t answer His question that day.  I couldn’t bring myself to tell Him yes; but I couldn’t possibly imagine saying no.  I'm still wrestling with this question. 

What’s He asking you?

What’s the question that plagues you in the silence?

Have you even taken time for the silence?

Today is Saturday… I don’t know what your plans are, but I urge you to take time to exist in the silence. Be still.  Wait on the Lord.  And then answer His questions… honestly.

May we be refined as we come to terms with where we really are, instead of constantly evading it.

Make the time today.

* * *

Submit Your Stories/Questions/Struggles Here

Your entries will remain anonymous

learning to dance.

Men,

Do you know that you can melt our hearts with just a few words?

Do you know that the smallest touch of your hand can cause us to lie awake at night?

Do you know that we are waiting for you? All the time? 

You see, many of us have grown up in world where we’ve been taught that you will pursue us, that you will fight for us, that you will let nothing get in the way of being with us. 

… and so we wait… and we hope…

We wonder if you think about us.

We wonder if you want to spend time with us.

We wonder if you notice the clothes we wear or the extra time we spent getting ready because we knew we’d see you. 

This doesn’t necessarily change when we finally get to be with you, either.  We still want to be pursued, we still want you to fight for us, we still want you to let nothing get in the way of spending time with us.  We want to know you think about us, we want you to notice the extra pains we take in dressing up for you. 

I'm not saying that this mentality is right… but I'm saying that this is what it is for a lot of us.  I think I recognize that a lot of us women believe that you can fill a void that you were never intended to fill, and because of that you often feel as though you can never be enough of what we need. You’re probably right.  You can’t be enough—you were never intended to be.  

I'm sorry for the unreasonable things we’ve asked of you, I'm sorry for our self-absorption, I'm sorry for our controlling and often manipulative scheming…but I'm not sorry for wanting to be pursued, desired, and loved.

So, let’s make a deal…

We will strive to not place impossible expectations on you. 

We will strive to find our identity and our worth in our Savior and not in you, or our relationship with you, or even the thought of a relationship with you.

We will strive to stop controlling and manipulating situations when they aren't going the way that we hoped for our dreamed of.

We will strive to trust the Lord with our hearts and trust you mean what you say (instead of always anticipating there is something hidden in your words).  

Be gracious and patient with us—this goes against everything that we’ve been believing our entire lives.  But, we’re trying.  We know that ultimately you can’t save us, you can’t sustain us, you can’t heal us, you can’t complete us...

But will you remember that your words DO matter, that your touch IS important, that we ARE waiting for you?

Will you be honest with us?

Will you tell us how you really feel about us (even if you think it might hurt our feelings)?

Will you double check your actions and not lead us astray if you truly aren’t interested in us?

Will you affirm us when you know we need it, not when we ask for it? 

Will you take a chance on us, even when you don’t know the outcome?

And we will try to be gracious and patient with you--as we recognize we don't always make this easy on you and that we do our fair share of hurting, confusing and leading on. 

I can't help but wonder what it might look like if each gender were willing to admit our faults, allow grace to become a natural part of our existence, and sought to communicate in a way that exuded love and true selflessness... 

Let’s learn to dance together.

A beautiful dance of forgiveness and second chances. 

* * *

Submit Your Stories/Questions/Struggles Here

Your entries will remain anonymous

everything clicks

An email recently received:  

I spent all summer teaching teenage girls about their value and worth in God’s eyes. How He loved them, how He wanted to heal them from their brokenness and restore their life! They were HIS, they were LOVED, they were BEAUTIFUL, they were CLEAN! I prayed for them to fully grasp onto those things and really believe them, but did I even believe those things for my life? I thought I did, I thought the chains were finally falling off and I was running to my Savior as fast as I could. So what happened? How do you go from believing that one day to looking in the mirror the next day and not even recognizing the person you’ve become?

Maybe it was because I was running full force towards Jesus and Satan saw that he had to intervene before things got too serious between this Jesus and I.

Sometimes it feels that the words that gush so naturally out of our mouths when we’re speaking to others are the very words that we’re struggling to believe for ourselves.  Some might call it hypocritical, but I’d venture to say that it’s pretty normal.  Maybe that makes me a bad person…

It seems, especially when we are talking about truly finding our identity in Christ, that we are going to wrestle with what this really means for most of our lives.  In the process of learning and growing (and experiencing all the growing pains that come with it) I think it’s a really beautiful thing when we can invite others into our questions and doubts as we continue to push forward.

My job requires me to speak truth into people’s lives—specifically females—almost constantly.  I’d be lying if I said that I ever felt like I had all the answers, if I ever felt like I had much to offer to them, if I ever felt adequate or that I always fully believed those things for myself.  

But, my internal struggle to work through things doesn’t mean that I'm going to denounce things that I ultimately believe to be true when speaking to others.  For example: I firmly believe the things you mentioned are unfathomably true: we are HIS, we are LOVED, we are BEAUTIFUL, we are CLEAN.   The problem is that they are unfathomable to me sometimes. 

And then there seem to be these moments where Christ calms the storm.  That in the midst of life, in the midst of doubts and uncertainties, God says “I’m here.  I’m in control.  Trust me.”  And those moments, no matter how brief they are, make everything worth it.  It makes sense.  Everything clicks. 

In that moment you believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt.  You really believe everything you’ve been saying you believe. 

Life seems to be speckled with these moments—these moments of intimacy with the Lord… and it seems that we spend the rest of our life striving to get back there again.  The thing is, I can’t recall a time where I was ever able to regenerate these moments with the Lord.  No matter how much I read my Bible, or pray, or worship or confess, or do all the ‘right’ things—they haven’t been the things that get me back in that place.  Instead, it seems like He catches me in His timing, in His way- in the bathtub, in the middle of a run, with a spider web…

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm proud of you for teaching these girls TRUTH and for begging that the Lord would press it permanently into their hearts.  I'm thankful for your dedication and your desire for them to get it.  Keep doing that, no matter what. I'm also saying don’t freak out about not always feeling it or believing them for yourself.  I think you ultimately do… I think you ultimately get it… because you’ve had the moments where it clicks… and the Lord is going to keep drawing you into His presence—in His timing and in His way—and He will continue to reaffirm you of the things He’s been speaking gently to your heart since you were born. 

I sometimes think the enemy works best (and he’s dang good at what he does) when he causes us to go into a frenzy, to doubt what the Lord has said is true, to doubt that the Lord has even spoken at all.  He has. 

Remember the moments, dear one.  The times on the mountain, in the valleys, in the random, out-of-nowhere encounters—the places where the Lord met you, the truths He has spoken to you.  Walk faithfully in what He HAS spoken, claim it as truth over your life- even if you don’t always feel it.

Be diligent in the task before you as you weave in and out of the moments where it clicks.

Preach truth always.

Your chains have been broken.

You are worth it.

And I’ll pray that you fully grasp it and believe it… and in the meantime, I’ll wrestle through my own doubts for myself and believing I'm worth it.. ‘cause that’s just how it goes (and I know there are others praying this for me… and others praying it for them…)

Let’s all fight together.

For each other.  For Him.

Unto Him be all the glory.  

And let us never forget the moments when everything clicks. 

* * *

Submit Your Stories/Questions/Struggles Here

Your entries will remain anonymous

let's talk about [everything leading up to] sex

"Don't have sex before you're married."

I feel like that was what we were told growing up.  It was the forbidden fruit.  It was the greatest sin of all (aside from murder, of course)....

In the meantime--no one really talked to us about anything else. There was kissing... then sex. Kissing. Sex. That's how it happens in the movies, right? Two people's lips are entangled and suddenly their
clothes have vanished and they're in bed together. Kissing leads to directly to sex... with no stops in between.

I actually remember talking through physical boundaries with a few girl friends late one night many years back.  One of them was in a relationship at the time and we were asking her about their physicality. She said (and I literally quote), "I mean there's kissing and there's sex... what else is there?" There was no room for her mind to dream up any other way to display affection for each other.  My other friend and I held our tongues...for in the moment we thought it better to leave her in a world of naivety and innocence.  It seemed pure and good. It's quite possible we made a poor decision in not informing her of the temptations and seemingly endless amounts of gray area between kissing and sex.

Mostly I hate how it's been a subject that Christian circles are scared to address openly-- and I feel like I went through a lot of my teenage years and early twenties asking the age-old question, "how far is too far?" Only I never felt like I could ask the people I probably needed to ask, so instead we asked each other.  When you ask each other (especially when you are 16 and 17) there's all sorts of room for justifying to creep in.

Are you still asking this question?
Have you found someone to really talk to about your struggle with physical desire without feeling judged or condemned?
It's one thing to talk about this as an element of the past, but when we step out and mention (especially as females, it seems) that we sometimes want to get down and dirty now...the looks of scorn radiate from all directions.

I've felt alone and crazy a lot as I battled through lust and sexual temptation growing up.  I felt like I was one of a few girls who dealt with such issues.  I found myself in situations where I pushed boundaries, where I compromised, where I made poor decisions...and in the moment I could always rationalize that since I wasn't having sex, I was okay.  As I've gotten older, I've been able to see the ways that this same mentality has latched itself onto many a lady--and I've seen how guilt and fear have woven lies into their hearts.

I think we want to operate on a black and white scale when it comes to sticky subjects-- sex, being one of them.  I think this causes us to feel crazy when we feel stuck in the gray matter... it causes us to feel confused, guilty, alone and fearful of others finding out.  So we hide, we dodge questions, we come clean to a certain extent without unveiling all.

It makes me wonder how many of us are walking in true freedom.
I'm not going to attempt to answer THE question right now-- mostly I wanted to probe the question.
I do believe there's a right and a wrong when it comes to sex (and all the stuff leading up to it) outside of marriage.  I do believe boundaries are necessary.  I do believe sexual intimacy can be consuming and addicting. I do believe that the more frequently we engage in sexual things, the more frequently our minds go to that place and the more frequently we find it hard to resist and easy to rationalize.

All that to say, I believe it's something we can and should talk about...especially with our youth.
What do you think?