We've had Baby K for 5 weeks yesterday-- which means she's 6 weeks old today. Crazy. Time is flying. We have a heavier lump to carry around now. She's fattening up from 5 lbs 7oz (the day we got her) to right around 10 lbs now.
She eats. She sleeps. She poops. She cries. She refuses to sleep when she's clearly exhausted. She stares at us with wide eyes and I can't help but wonder if she's actually looking at me or looking into a blurry abyss. She's really cute. I'm thankful for that, especially on her fussy afternoons.
We're tired.
Our words are little sharper. Our patience a little less abounding. But, we're making it.
I'd like to think if I had 9 months to prepare for a newborn joining our family that we would have a little more figured out by now. Like, what we'll do about childcare. Or our jobs. Or school. Or our social life (what's that?).
It feels like a lot sometimes. But, lots of times, it just kind of feels normal. Why not get a stork-delivered baby dropped in your lap and just figure it all out on the fly? (If storks were real, I bet it would feel a lot like this).
I get a lot of my steps inside now instead of on the walk to the office. My left arm is getting stronger as I'm figuring out how to be an ambidextrous baby-holder. It's insane how she can sleep for hours...and then cry for hours. The dietician at the WIC office told us this week that with babies, "...nothing is normal". Great.
The other night I was walking, rocking, swaying, singing baby girl to sleep (anything that might work), and found myself digging up some old songs from the recesses of my mind (Waterdeep, anyone?). One of the oldies was straight from Isaiah 43:
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you...
And the waves, they will not overcome you.
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you.
I have called you by name, you are Mine.
For I am the Lord, your God
For I am the Holy One of Israel
Your savior
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you...It's one of those moments where the Lord quietly reminds me that this fussy baby isn't mine... but His. One of those moments where I'm tearing up in a dark room remembering the Lord's goodness, His faithfulness, and how He redeems even the darkest of nights. One of those moments where I remember my place in the grand scheme of all of this. I'm a steward of this life. What an honor. Will you pray that I remember that?
Many days later, I'm shedding tears for a different reason. Maybe it's exhaustion. But mostly I'm so frustrated at my inability to be like Jesus. Impatient, quickly frustrated, accusatory...broken. I imagine all of you parents are laughing right now as we experience this depravity of the soul for the first time. You know this song.
But man. How much I'm reminded that I need grace.
I told my small group last night that I still have the tendency toward self-righteousness... but having Baby K reminds me just how sinful I can be. Oh, amazing grace...how can it be? Jesus is really, really good. To love me, to want me, to take me in... when I am such a fussy little baby. Isn't it ironic?
Kel and I just celebrated our 5-year anniversary last weekend, too. We had, what I'm calling, an "Awkward Anniversary" gathering. We invited friends and family in... and asked them to challenge us with things they have seen in our marriage that need to be refined, to encourage us with things that embody Christ, to hold us accountable to our vows and the things we want to improve on, to pray for us. But mostly, to remind us that we can't do anything of that without first running to the Lord.How hard we try to be all the things we think we're supposed to be and all the things we want to be without first going to Him... as if we could muster up any of it on our own.
Having a baby has been awesome (really, truly).
Easy? No.
As hard as I thought it would be? No.
We love her a lot (probably a whole lot more than we are frustrated with her).
Would you pray that every day we have her that we could be like Jesus to her?
To extend grace upon grace, to love selflessly, to serve joyfully... even when she's a fussy little baby.
Pray that we remember that our time with her might be so limited, to embrace the moments we have left, no matter how few they may be. If there were ever a time to live in the present, it is now... for we really do not know what tomorrow may bring. Pray that we would be stewards of this baby girl, and remember to Whom she truly belongs.
Also...
We have continually been blown away by the generosity of people during this season. Strangers, even. God takes care of our every possible need. Amazing grace...how can it be?
Thanks for loving us.
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