Did I really do that? Did I really say that?I wish they were dreams (or nightmares), but... my past is always real. I used to think that if my house were ever burning down that one of the first things I'd grab would be my journals, but lately I'm wondering if I might purposely leave them behind.
If I read through them all today, I'd be reminded of the times that I stayed up way too late, waiting for the creaking door on AOL Instant Messenger to alert me that my freshman AND sophomore year crush had signed online (one guy that I just couldn't seem to get over...). I always tried to let him initiate conversation, but after a few minutes of radio silence, I never had much self control. Or the [many] times that I allowed myself to enter into deep friendships with guys, always hoping that it might be something more. Always saying stupid things. Always getting my heart too involved. Or the time I sent money anonymously to a crush, hoping it would bless him (but probably also hoping he'd find out it was me and come running). Or the times I cried myself to sleep, feeling hopelessly single. Or the times that I sorta, basically told guys I wasn't even dating that I liked them (or loved them?)...
Or just the fact that I probably wrote the same thing in my journal for almost a decade- I feel like today I might tell myself a lot of things. At least I'd want to, and I'd want myself to listen, to understand, to recognize that the here and now is never really as bad as it might seem.
Even if I rid myself of the journals, my past is still real. I'm still the girl who blogged about the despairs of single life in her late twenties and wrote a paper about the pains of it during my split second in seminary. I'm still the girl who dated the wrong guys for too long because it seemed better than being alone. The girl who was too forward and simultaneously too scared. The girl who confidently thought she knew what she wanted while also insecurely begged for validation and affirmation from the guys who ignorantly let her get close to them.
I'm not proud of my past.
I share the stories mostly in hopes that others might identify and there might be some reason or purpose to the madness. It's really the reason I started the blog in the first place- admitting my craziness so that others might identify and know they're not alone in the journey.
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| this is how I feel when I think about the past... |
I do feel like the Lord extended grace to me throughout my twenties. While I made plenty of bad choices for myself, He never gave me the chance to make a choice that could negatively affect my entire future. He never let me say YES to the wrong guy (and, if we're being honest, there's a chance I might have). I feel pretty lucky, considering all the stupid things I did do.
It continually reminds me of the Lord's faithfulness. And I wish I had seen it then. I wish I would have seen it exactly for what it was when I was in the midst of it. Instead I was angry, confused, and blaming Him for the existence of these intense desires without any hope of fulfilling them. But if I could have known... I probably would have tried to speed up the process.
I love how perfect His timing has been though.
I love how, in spite of all my crazy, I can look at the man next to me and thank the Lord for saving me from all of the other failed attempts in my life.
I don't deserve any of this.
I'm a crazy lady, saved by grace AND, for no good reason, given the chance to be truly loved by a man on earth too.
How can it be?
I don't know. I truly don't get it.
Hang tight, single babes.
Spring was always the worst for me. Something about budding life and happy weather with summer on the horizon. It just always seemed like the perfect time to fall in love (but in reality, any time is great).
Don't let your expectations, your dreams, your hopes, or your desires get crushed by the current story you're in. Maybe the guy you're into doesn't like you back. Maybe you're getting pretty weary of feeling like no one will ever look your way. Maybe you're just in the cycle of getting your hopes up and constantly facing rejection. Maybe you just said something really stupid or bold to a cute guy (one time I boldly asked a crush via text: "So where do you see this going?" after only knowing him a few weeks).
We do dumb things.
We say dumb things.
We feel deeply... and sometimes it just hurts.
I get it. It's okay. Okay to be sad, okay for it to suck, okay for it to feel hopeless.
I'm praying today that you can zoom out and trust the Lord with the unthinkable, the seemingly impossible. He's got you. He's got this.
My husband isn't the fulfillment, but he points me to the One who is. And I hope you can get to that realization before I did.
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